You know that voice in your head?

I am not sure if everyone has that voice in their head that says "I am meant to do something good." Or worse yet, the one that tells you that you will "change the world" by doing (insert world altering greatness here), that won't be silenced no matter how many beers you drink and kittens you save. Well, I have that voice. That aspire to reach new heights, stop at nothing to make a difference, egotistical but in a well meaning kind of way voice. And here is the result of listening to that voice, as of 4/19/11. We have 1 sweet gray kitty, who is a boy but named Rosie, and 1 missing and presumed dead black and white devil cat named after Soren Kirkegaard, 2 frogs who have their own story, a very high spirited and wonderful 2 year old "puppy" named Guthrie Pants, 1 sweet genius of child whom we named Liam but who also responds to hamster, a great marriage, despite it all, and a Skyler, the tangible result of listening to that voice. When Skyler was living with us I wrote all about the ups and downs, the uncertainty, the fear, the hope, and innocent love that a small boy can have for someone called "brother." Since he left us 13 months ago, instead of writing about our still wonderful family and all our ups and downs, hopes, fears, promotions, catastrophes, and triumphs, I let myself think things were "normal." No family is normal, and especially no family with at least one person with a loudspeaker for an inner voice! So, here is the new story, of the same family, not the aftermath of Skyler, but the possibility of a future where maybe everyone has an inner voice, and maybe you don't have to jump into a volcano to silence it, just go for a run and smile at strangers. Today is a sad day for me. Emotionally I officially transitioned to "maybe" to "certainly not". But it's a day where I don't feel like I would have 1 year ago. I don't think anyone has failed anyone, and I don't think anyone is to blame. I think, as my best friend Nikki so aptly said, "Too many demons for such a young life...I will keep as many positive thoughts as I can for him." I don't even feel like that voice led me astray, it just led me a little too far off the path. I found my way back, (can't say the same for the missing and presumed dead Soren) to a world where I can appreciate that everyone should aspire to do the best they can for themselves and their families. I love Skyler and will forever be sad that we couldn't save him, and that love wasn't enough. But, he felt our love, and he still does, it just wasn't enough to quiet his voices, that unfortunately didn't lead him to grand save the world gestures, but rather to one heartbreaking decision after another. I hope that medicine can prevail where love, structure, and family couldn't. But, no matter what, I know that Brian, Liam, Rosie, Guthrie, Elvis, Joey and I are going to have many more adventures that are just as meaningful and noteworthy as the truly exceptional and hopefully unfinished trip we took with Skyler. And I want to thank you all for coming on all these trips with me!