Already Sunday!

I can't believe it's been a whole other week already! Time is weirdly flying by and standing still. I had a super fun night last night with Rachel, Dave (my bodyguard), and Neighbor. We went WAY back and pretended we were 20 again, and had a fun night. Today, much like yesterday, not fun. Although, Brian and I were playing some Super Mario Bros, but we totally sucked it up! Liam continues to live at Erin's house for the most part, but he is still not totally sheltered from what it means to live with someone who doesn't have any regard for the feelings or property of others. I'm exhausted. I am not even looking ahead to a time where things might be different, while he is at treatment. I don't believe that it will even happen anymore. Fool me 6 times, shame on everyone.

But, with all the colds going around, I get to work a ton this week, and that always cheers me up! Just walking though the doors at Miss Julie's I feel happy, then when I turn the corner and see the toddlers I can't help but smile, and I will be in their room all day tomorrow! Woo Hoo! We are going to have so much fun! I will look up some super awesome projects to tackle together! I am thinking something super messy, and maybe sticky, so parents, dress your kids in play clothes!!!

On a side note, I think it's totally weird that Skyler's favorite thing to watch is the history or military channel. And he seems to actually pay attention to it. Hmmmmm....

Suburban Saturdays are ruining my life!

Good late morning to you all!  While I appreciate being awake early, and not being over hung, over tired, over stimulated, whatever, I sort of miss that too, because at least those were all signs of a life lived in excess!  If we all have the potential to die at anytime, why take it easy?  So, this waiting game of sobriety and missed therapy is really getting old.  Thursday we heard from our caseworker that some paperwork had to go through, and it could be as soon as Thursday night, or as long as Monday, but we would be in touch along the way.  Yesterday, silence.  Today, is Saturday, silent silent Saturday.  We did hear back from the fabulous doctor who did the psychological last week, she expedited her findings and actually submitted the preliminary report both after hours, and into her weekend.  Hooray.  I found one person who will do her job when it's really important.  The results were what we expected, and then some.  So, I forwarded them along to a supervisor and texted the 2 fabulous FAD Workers that they really need to check their emails and get the ball rolling.  My next thought is that I will just call the RTC myself and see what needs to be done, then drive up to the FAD office and stand there and supervise.  Try ignoring me while I am sitting on your lap saying, "is it done yet?" over and over again.  What about security, you may ask?  I will bribe them with sandwiches and coffee.  See, putty in my hands!  Muah ha ha ha ha.  Guess I should have been watching Skyler rather than updating this, seeing as all hell broke loose.  Gotta go.

More waiting....

Good evening!  I am proud to say that I have exercised 2 days in a row!  Woo Hoo!  That's definitely a record for the past several months.  On another exciting note, Brian joined the 21st century with a sweet new phone that does really cool things, so you should all call and text and email and facebook him a lot, because he can check it all from his phone now!

I am sure some of you are wondering how the day went.  It actually passed without event.  ANY event.  Some paperwork didn't get filed in a timely manner, and here we are, looking ahead if not forward, to the weekend starting tomorrow!  I really hope it is all sorted Monday, because I have months of catching up to do at work, and look forward to a good 30 hour week next week to get started in the long process of reclaiming my office, my bank account (210$ of overdraft charges proves that no one pays tuition when the boss is away.) and my life!   Plus Leslee will be away, so I will have no excuse of a totally competent assistant director running things for me!  Have a good cruise, I am so jealous!

On the one hand NOTHING happened today, but on the other hand, nothing happened today.  Brian and I were waiting all day for "The Call" so we played 2 games of Rummy 500,  hung out at Barnes and Noble, played a couple games of pool, and generally relaxed together.  So, sometimes nothing is all right!  It is annoying that it was because of bureaucratic bs, but at the very least the afternoon and evening passed without incident.  

I am so worried that the move will destroy all the awesome academic progress Skyler has made these past 5 months, so to that end I emailed his therapist asking that if Skyler should get into the facility we are aiming for, that she helps ensure he continues reading aloud with an adult and summarizing what he read, every day.  I know that it probably won't happen, but I have to try!  Reading is so vital to success in life.

So, that's it.  No big news, unless you count 2 days of walking with a VERY brief running spurt thrown in the mix!  I will let you know what tomorrow brings.

A life of waiting

Waiting.......

Oh my gosh, 2 in one day.

I'm on fire! And no, not one that was intentionally started. The psychological evaluation is over and we are back home. Skyler's brain is tired, which is pretty cute. He had just around 2 hours of testing with little time for breaks. I believe many positive things happened today. 1, I exposed someone as a bully, and hopefully something will come of that. 2, my puppy is A OK! 3, we now have 2 psychologists in agreement that RTC is the route, and they both happen to be at the same RTC, which happens to have openings, and are both reporting to CPS today that the transferral should be real immediate, not CPS immediate. 4, I ate lunch at the Lion and the Rose and it was delicious. 5, I talked to almost every Talbert today! 6, I fianlly feel like people are listening and soon they will all start acting, and our home can start to return to the safe and happy place it once was. 7, we know that Skyler will remain a part of our lives while in treatment, so it's not goodbye, it's just that our paths will separate slightly for a while.

So, that's that. Today is winding down, and it was a tough one. But we all got through it, even the sick doggy, and I am not going to look forward, I am just going to relax and enjoy the rest of today.

The long awaited evaluation.

Thank goodness my school got a late start today, because I was planning to go in for a couple hours before the psych evaluation at noon today, but instead I got to sleep.  The dog ate something yesterday which left him puking all night, and I was up with him till around 12:30.  Then, bless his heart, he stopped barking when he needed to puke, so I thought he was done.  Turned out he was just too tired to get up anymore.  But, he made it through the night, puking away, and seems better this morning, although he is much quieter than normal.  We can't figure out what he ate at all, but whatever it was must have been pretty bad. :(   His kennel got cleaned out at 6:30, and  he has been sleeping away with a new blanket ever since.

So, we still haven't heard anything from anyone about where or when Skyler may be leaving to get the help he needs, but we have the evaluation today, so hopefully it will help shed some light on  his behaviors.  My biggest fear though, is that this woman has never met him, or me, and legally has to report abuse or neglect etc, and Skyler is extremely manipulative, so I am really worried that she doesn't see through him and we end up losing Liam anyway, after all we have been doing to protect him.  Hopefully, since she has talked to his therapist, she will be prepared for him, but he has lived with us for 5 months tomorrow, and we still have no idea when he is telling the truth and when he is lying, so someone, even a professional, who has never met him, won't have a prayer.  Even his therapist has been duped by him as recently as last month.  All of you who have kids who have tried to lie to you and you can immediately tell, because they are such honest little people, congratulate yourselves for raising honest children.  Also, if you gave birth to a child, and kept them and didn't emotionally scar them to the point where they are no longer able to distinguish right from wrong, or exist in a society, congratulate yourselves.  Apparently, you are not obligated to finish the job you started with parenthood, and so for everyone out there who  has, or who realizes that kids aren't your cup of tea, so you haven't had any, GOOD JOB!  And if anyone out there who happens to come across this has given birth to a kid, exposed him to untold horrors then retreated into a violent world of drugs and criminals, abandoning your young and fragile child to a life of pain and instability, I seriously hope you get hit by the justice bus.  I know that in class we learned not to judge the biological parents, but REALLY, if you have 1 or 2 or 5 children, take fricken care of them.   Or give them up at the hospital if you already know you are a junkie and a whore.  Don't subject them to your shit for so long that they can never recover.  It's YOUR fault there are kids like Skyler out there, you ruin lives.  My one hope is that wherever his mother is and all the other mothers like her are, they are miserable and sad every day.  That doesn't even begin to make up for doing what she did to a boy who had the same potential as Liam when he was born, but it's a start.  

And on that happy note, I am going to get in the shower and be glad that we can give Liam to the world one day, and he will be a whole and thoughtful man.  It's sad when just keeping your kids and not exposing them to crack is a good thing, but I seriously believe that it is.  I also know you may be thinking that I am a hypocrite because I am saying parents should keep their kids, while I give one of mine up, but here's where I had to realize that I gave birth to Liam.  I set him up to be happy and successful, then I brought a boy into his house who takes away his potential to be complete and emotionally sound.   My responsibility lies the strongest with the child I introduced to the world from birth.  The one I protected for the 8 months I was pregnant, and had protected the 7 years after that.  Then, I allowed this other child into my home because some organization said he would be fine with us, and I put myself into the same category as the crack whores, putting my biological child into dangerous situations and allowing him to experience horrors that no child should have to see.  Well, no more.  I will not allow a child born to me to be raised broken.  If that is the only thing I can accomplish, I still think I will have accomplished something wonderful.  

So today, go hug your kids, and hug yourselves for being their parents and ensuring that one day they will leave home and achieve something beyond jail!

A life with SNOW, What?

So, normally I talk about Skyler and the possible upcoming adoption.  Today, I will regale you all with hilarity from Central Texas!  I am watching the local news, watching for delays, early closings etc, since I own a pre-school in hill country.  Just moments ago the weather man for news 8 spoke for several minutes about the dangers of putting your hands on things to steady yourself if you are slipping.  "Be wary" he said, "of any object above the ground handrails, even the latch on your gate definitely have ice potential."  So, clearly, snow comes and common sense moves south with the warmth!  I know some of the folks who read this live in places like MA, or VT, so you should know how the south comes through in "snow."  FYI, the snow, is a dusting that has just about covered dirt in way north austin, but here in South Austin, it's actually just cold out and raining.  Not fun, especially for late February, usually we are starting to bust out our sun dresses and spend the afternoons drinking on patios at Mexican restaurants.   Maybe it is overcast every where in honor of National Albino Day.  Who knew the weather was so considerate!  

OK, so back to the life we live...I think Skyler is up to something today, he got up at 6:00, unprompted,  and was dressed and ready by 6:30.  Not normal.  Then, Brian checked his backpack like always and it was empty of all things not school related.  BUT, just before we were heading out the door he ran upstairs with his backpack, so I don't know what he is up to, but I think there is something going one.  Or, I am just paranoid now.  Gosh, that is a scary thought.  Maybe he was just trying to make up for yesterday.  I don't think so.  Hasn't happened yet.  Yesterday was interesting.   Fortunately, every day is a fresh start, because if we really expected him to make up for things day to day, he would be wearing sack cloth and scrubbing the exterior of the house with a toothbrush!   

Oh, here we go again...."keep an eye on your clothing, your attire, before you head outdoors."  THANK YOU, NEWS 8.  I was going to wear a bikini in the snow, but you showed me that I should have a coat over it.  Whew that was a close one.  I'm also especially thankful for the folks who are tweeting the pictures of the cars with a little snow on them, so I don't have to look out my window to see it.  They are also using the wind chill temperature to tell us what the weather is doing.  Pretty sure even if it feels super chilly, if it's 40 degrees out there, not much will be happening.  But you have to admire the novelty of any snow in Central Texas in what is almost our spring.   Ooooh, I did just see that the bad spot is just moving in to the area right around my pre-school though.  Stay warm toddlers!  

Picture day

Today was picture day at the kids' school. It left me with sort of a weird feeling all day, because I paid for the class picture for Sky, but have no idea if he will be there when they get returned. And I don't know if bringing it to him where ever he is receiving treatment would be a good thing, or just a reminder of things he came so close to. It seems like such an inconsequential thing, how many picture days have we all been through? But it's leaving me with a nagging guilt. Of course every time I think that he is not so bad, or that things have been fairly quiet, and the guilt creeps in, I immediately think of how close to the edge he has brought us, twice. I guess I am not turning my back on him, I am keeping my arms open to Liam, he just happens to be behind me. Haha. Not funny, I know.

In the meantime, it's tough going through the motions of "normal" every day while we wait for the other shoe to drop. I am still worried that even away from us, he will become angrier and the lies may continue to wreak havoc on our lives, but I can only hope that this good deed does not punish us too much more. I also really hope that wherever he ends up for the next little while they keep working with him on his reading, because he has really worked hard and come a long way in that department. I don't want to see the last 5 months go wasted while he adjusts to yet another situation in his life.

Liam has fencing today, which is always adorable, so I am excited about that, and looking forward to Friday with Nikki and Tony. So, while we wait, good things are still happening, both with Sky and just with life in general.

Sunday, that's my fun day?

Hello everyone! Where do I start? I guess as the song says, "Let's start at the very beginning." But really, let's don't, we have been there and done that! Let's start with where I left you all on Friday. The fates of the world hanging in the balance. After I left my house to finally head to work woefully late, I talked to be FAD worker. I told her about what I suspected Skyler had said to his caseworker the previous afternoon, and asked her worst case what we could expect to happen. She told me that obviously his caseworker had not believed him, or she would have taken Skyler right then and there and opened an investigation into our family which quite possibly could have led to the temporary removal of Liam until things were sorted out. Upon hearing that I said, OK, I made my decision. He needs to go, immediately. We talked and our FAD worker explained how it was normal acting out, but that she agreed that we have a responsibility to protect Liam. She asked what Sky's therapist recommended, and I said that she had called Brandy asking for his removal a month ago and Brandy said no that it would ruin his future. So, Ruby charged into action. She called Brandy and said that Skyler was beyond the basic level of care needed to remain in a normal family setting and her recommendation along with mine and the therapist was immediate removal into a residential treatment center with the long term goal of possible reunification if after a significant amount of time he appeared ready and willing, and we were willing. Flash forward to today, we still have him here while we wait for a spot to open up somewhere. He has no idea yet, but his behavior continues to show us we are making the best choice both for his future and for the life of our family. We would never have knowingly walked a path that could have led to Liam being torn away from us, and we are not willing to let that happen, and the fact that Skyler had to remorse when he nearly cost us everything, makes us so ready to see him go get help. We are working on a letter to send with him sort of outlining the places we feel have been overlooked in his past therapy and treatment sessions. The first is empathy and selflessness. Before they fix his anger, they need to help him see the world as a unit, where every action has far reaching effects. It's a lesson many people could benefit from. Seeing a little more of where others are would help every aspect of life. If people were truly selfless they would be less sensitive, less bossy, less fragile, less power hungry, more peaceful, more loving, smile more, eat better... it's endless! So, my task for everyone this Sunday is go out, and think of one other person and their struggles and try to do something positive for them. Not because it's Sunday, and it's a religious day, but because it's Sunday, so you will probably have a little extra time. Who am I kidding, no one has extra time, but that just makes it that much more awesome of you! Sara is off the hook, because she is focusing her attention on me today, and kidnapping me from the mad house, and Leslee is off the hook because she kidnapped me yesterday, oh and Frances made me a friendship bracelet, and Nikki and Tony are coming all the way from Odessa to lend us support BUT, everyone else, find someone who is NOT me, and go be empathetic! I am so lucky to have a life filled with understanding and wonderful people! I wish everyone could be so fortunate! Also, send good vibes to my friend AJ, she is going through some tough stuff and could use extra support and love!

Payroll and Rachel Day

I should so be at work right now, delivering paychecks to all my teachers, but they can wait a little longer!  I just found out that my dad quit drinking for lent, but will excuse spring break for moral reasons!  He is definitely my dad!  

I will need lots of sun and fun for spring break so the guilt doesn't totally weigh me down.  It looks as if Skyler may have chosen not to live with us after all.  His caseworker indicated such to us yesterday evening after the home visit.  I feel that we expected him to try to improve, to look at himself, to make positive choices, and we stayed strong.  It seems that it was too hard for him, and he knows in foster care and RTC he won't have to try so hard or work so tirelessly to become a better man, and that is what he wants.  I am disappointed I won't get to show him the world, or even anything outside of Austin, and maybe between now and next Thursday he will wake up to the realization that it may not be easy here, but it is safe and we are so willing to help him.  But, I don't think so.  I think he premeditated exactly what he was going to say to his caseworker yesterday, and he knew what it would do to his place in this home and to his future.  So, it appears that he may be leaving us after all.  And possibly even before next Thursday.  We will know more as the days unfold.  It's Friday, so I think it's safe to say nothing will be resolved until at least Monday, but I am not certain of anything.  I know that there is a lot of heaviness around here, and that whatever happens I will be sad.  I also know that we didn't know what we were getting with Sky, and that the past 5 months have been the hardest of my life, and I would bet they will be the hardest of the next 30 years as well.  Until he is actually gone, I suppose anything could happen, but after yesterday I am not so sure I want anything else.  I am weary, sad and feel like I have been in someone else's body for a while.  I am ready to come back to myself and my life, and not have to be so guarded and so careful all the time.  For those of you considering adoption out there, really be sure you have all the facts before you meet the child.  Just because his file says he has a basic level of care, that may not be the case.  The sucky part is that I knew it would be hard, and I was ready for the fight of my life, but with CPS you can't fight fair.  There is always a 3rd party there for Skyler to abuse and manipulate into giving him the upper hand.  I think CPS workers are given an impossible job, and should be required to have a masters degree in child psychology before they are given so much responsibility over a child's life.  I wish that this were not the end of the road for us, but Brian will not go through it again with Liam, and he won't adopt a baby, so it looks like the Connally's may be a trio from here on out.  Sorry to drag you all through the past 2 weeks with me, but I think having people out there interested and caring has helped me tremendously in sorting though my thoughts.

Anyway, I will let you know as things happen or if anything changes.  Part of me feels like a failure, and part just feels like a mom who let her kid down.  But, I am a mom who can't let Liam down, and Skyler has thrown down the gauntlet and I will not lose Liam while I try to save Skyler.

Have a great Friday!  If you are in town, Rachel's Prince theme birthday party should be fabulous!

A life of home visits

Happy Thursday! It's the first day in forever that isn't something, valentine's day, presidents day, ash wednesday. Instead it's plane crashing into IRS building and Connally home visit day! It's also breakfast for dinner day, which is going to be great! Skyler preempted breakfast for dinner with enchiladas for breakfast! So funny. It's like Wacky Wednesday on Thursday. That's a Dr. Seuss reference for all of you not the know.

I had another fabulous morning playing with the Monkey's, but I wasn't in there as long as yesterday, so no simon says, but we made up an awesome story about a snowman, a witch and a magic mouse. Who knew that 2 year olds could be so creative? Wait, I did! I managed to be seen by 3 parents and 1 grandparent, so there is visual confirmation, I do exist! Yesterday was my first day back in about 2 weeks, and it is so amazing being back with the kids, they are so sweet and always glad to see me. Tomorrow I plan to get another few hours of snuggly hug time in to get me through the weekend. (I am being told by the little red spelling lines that snuggly is not a word.)

My 2 books came in late last week, but unfortunately they are 50$, so they are remaining at the bookstore until some time in the future, probably after the 24th. So, sorry to have no new great websites or information. Although, I did learn something very obvious yesterday, that I hadn't thought of before. Blaming something else for what you need your child to do or not do sort of takes the heat off the situation. For example, we had to clean the house yesterday and we blamed CPS, and it made it so he couldn't be mad at us about it. Another example would be blaming the clock for bedtime. Oops, the clock says it is 8:00, time for bed." "But I don't want to go to bed. " "Well, bedtime is at 8:00, and the clock is telling us that it is 8:00, that means bedtime." Now, this won't make your kid go to bed if they don't want to, but they don't immediately jump to mom or dad being mean, it keeps it less personal and more factual, which is always good for maintaining control. Sometimes, if they don't have the forward thinking ability you can get away with it! Then, if they go to the point where they ask if you can change their bedtime, say "When you are in middle school we will change your bedtime." That was a piece of advise I got from a book Madeline loaned me. Most of that book, called Simplify Your Life with Kids, would be great for a busy person with low maintenance kids or kids without substantial learning or emotional issues. So if any of you fit that bill, it's a very quick read filled with tips and ideas to make your life a little calmer or help you keep routine in your life. If your child or children need more help, then this book may not be for you, but then again, if you can get even one good idea from it that works, it's well worth the hour or 2 it takes to read.

Our staircase is getting closer to being fixed, and it makes me think of La Bamba. "Para subir al cielo, se necesita una escalera grande, y otra chiquita!"

Well, that's all for now! If anything crazy happens during our home visit I will send out an update.

Oops, it's a fast day!

Man, this is a crazy month where every day is something!  Fortunately we are such great people that we don't have to practice at religion anymore, so I won't feel badly that I made twice baked potato casserole for dinner.  Bacon on the side, of course!  In fact, Skyler and Brian are the only meat eaters who will be dining, and they are both heathens (ahem, protestants) by design, so even if I meant to try, I would be OK!  

I have about 4 minutes before I have to add the cheese and take the cover off, in reverse order, of course, so I thought a quick update would be in order.  When we do homework, Liam's grade is supposed to read for at least 15 minutes and Skyler's grade is supposed to read for at least 20.  So, we have Skyler read out loud straight through for 10 minutes getting as far as he can.  Then, he goes back to the beginning and re reads the 2 or 3 pages focusing more on the inflection and sentence structure than just the words.  Today, I was so impressed at not just how far he got, but the ease at which he reread the pages.  After he reads he has to spend about 30 seconds telling me what he read about.  Normally, he gets one sentence stuck in his head and just says that, or copies that part into his reading response.  The last 2 times, he has been able to accurately sum up what he has read, and condense it into 2-3 sentences and write them down!  I am super impressed!

My timer is beeping!  Home visit tomorrow, wish us luck!

High hopes for no more sick days...

Happy Mardi Gras! This week is packed with the lesser holiday's! Today Brian and I were off work and planning to concentrate on the flooring, go grocery shopping, go to work, watch some Olympics, all that good stuff. Both the kids were supposed to be at school until 4:00, so we thought we had a great long day ahead of us. That's what we thought... Then, too much food and too much drama caused puking, and with the puking came the side effect of attention. After a cleaned bed and some time wasted we thought it was over and our night would run into a free and happy day. Well, about an hour after bed time we heard Skyler say he wasn't tired and didn't want to lie down, probably thinking we would go in his room. We didn't even think about what it could all mean, and just said go back to bed. Read a book if you are not sleepy. Fast forward to this morning and a neat little pile of puke in the bottom corner of his bed. GRODIE! Anyway, he got out of bed, took a shower, brought his bedding to the wash, got dressed, all that stuff. Proceeded to jam a shit ton of food into his mouth and "puke" all over the floor. Wrestling with what the best lesson would be I decided to send him to bed "sick." He was hungry at noon, so he got soup. Then he was bored, so he was able to watch TV in bed. Then he was hungry again so he got chicken broth, bored, got a new movie in bed. But he was not allowed to get out of bed except for the bathroom, and if you know ADHD kids, being in a bed with nothing but a TV is not fun! It was time to do homework and I hear very loud forced gagging sounds. So, to that I said, "If you throw up, 2 things will happen, you will clean it up and you will do your homework. If you don't throw up one thing will happen, you will do your homework. It's your choice, I will see you later. " I went downstairs and after 20 minutes of crying and contemplating gagging all was quiet. 10 minutes later down he came with a full page about catching a bunny written! And tomorrow, you bet your booty he will want to go to school, if for no other reason than he will be super hungry! So, let's hope this is the end of the faking sick by puking! We caught on to the thermometer under super hot water early on, he is running out of sickness! Poor thing too, he has had legitimate sick days, but the more he fakes, the harder it is to tell what's what! He still has that cough from the pneumonia despite the medication, so I think a new trip to the doctor will be in order this week sometime. Fun times! Meanwhile, the bunny story was creative and cute, albeit misspelled and a grammatical nightmare, so I think we are on the right track today!

On a side note, I like that so many facebook folks are giving up complaining for lent, it's inspirational, 40 days of no bitching, but if I stopped complaining, what you you all read?

See you all tomorrow, in the land of the healthy 2-5 year olds!

A life with a functional staircase? Maybe? Soon?

Happy President's Day. February is 1/2 way gone, and it is freezing cold here, once again. And no, New Englander's, I don't want to talk about the fact that 32 degrees is freezing cold and that right now in Austin it is actually 47 degrees with a wind chill of 39. It's cold, I am cold.

Here at home we are sort of still in wait and see mode. I am breathing a little easier, thinking that I haven't witnessed anything dangerous or excessively troubling in the last couple of days. But I am also on a much shorter fuse. Possibly, the realization, once again, that this could be forever, has limited my patience. The idea of having the same issues and conversations come up every day for the next 7 years is exhausting. Really, I should embrace the one day at a time philosophy of the liver lovers out there, and not look out over the expanse of the rest of my life. It's easy enough to say what should happen, it's a whole a lot tougher to change! Damn reason always telling my what to do despite my best intentions! I hate a moral compass! And so the struggle continues between what is good and what is easy. Weird though, that being annoyed all the time is easier than being happy...that paints a bleak picture of my mind. We still have the 24th looming as a day with possibility of new answers, or a bigger possibility of more questions. And we have a home visit this Thursday. It's funny that between all the crazy there is a new routine in our lives that revolves around home visits and therapy options. It is clear to me now in a way I wish I understood as a child, that mental illness may as well be cancer. Doctor's, vocabulary, treatment, planning, it all becomes just another part of life. And there is no guarantee that any of it will work or that all the work will ensure a bright future. But, the difference I see is that people are much more tolerant of people with cancer, even though illness is illness. I know I am! I get so frustrated and wonder all the time why he can't just behave "normally" or why after 5 months he still feels like he has to sneak food and hover, why he can't let any one be in the room with an adult without putting himself in the conversation, because he thinks they are only ever talking about him, why he always looks guilty, and why he usually is...Part of it is because he is ill, abused, scared and tired of always having to try so hard, and part of it is because he is stubborn, a little bit lazy, and starting to get hormonal! But none of how he was when he moved in is really his fault. Now he just has to see that how he acts now is up to him. I think he is still trying to figure out if it is all worth it, because it is a lot of work.

Today I will be hanging out between here and my mom's house because she has free and accessible tools that I need to complete my flooring endeavors! My mom is happily on a cruise, no idea that her garage is being invaded and pillaged of deck screws, 4X10's, and some pliers! I guess she will know if she ever reads this though. Fortunately we had like 10 kids not show up at school today, for the holiday, so even though it is a little busy out there, it's slow enough that I can play hookey without too much stress put on my teachers. The stress for me of bringing the kids out to work with me all day was giving me a stomach ache, so I guess you can say I threw my staff under the bus for myself. Sorry guys!

Happy? Valentine's Day

Hope you are all enjoying a peaceful and happy morning all full of love and the other crap that comes from Hallmark.  I had bought pink pancake mix about a month ago, so Brian could make me pink pancakes in bed.  It's all I wanted for this ridiculous holiday.  The kids knew that I was going to have breakfast in bed and the mix was just enough for me and Brian, but that they had other surprises for the day.  Well, flash forward to today, and I want to throw up because of the friggen stress of trying to have just one god damn thing that was not going to be shared with the incredibly entitled Skyler.  Brian pulled out all the stops, mimosas, even shaped the pancakes like tulips so I got both food and flowers, but the whole thing was tainted by bitchy mc whines a lot demanding food, and complaining that I let other people eat HIS pizza yesterday, BTW, it was a large pizza that I bought for Doug who was installing my staircase flooring, and now he couldn't have pancakes.  Then he stood at my door and stared at me, so I shut the door, but now I feel SO much stress and annoyance that I can't even have 1 thing anymore that is for me.  I hate that we all sacrifice so much all the time.  It's not like he should be appreciative that he has a roof or a family, he deserves a roof and a family, but he should care a little that the roof is covering his own room, full of his own toys, and a family who is peaceful and fun and kind.  Instead he goes out of his way to make everyone in the house feel more like shit so we are all even.  I don't want to feel bad, I don't need to.  If he wants to keep being in his little cave of crap, that is OK, he can be, God knows he has had it rough and is entitled to feel as grouchy and pissed off as he wants to be.  But I am tired of also being pissed off and grouchy.  I am tired of having to lock my door or explain that it's not all his stuff, actually it is MY HOUSE, and he can't kick holes in the walls of his room, because it is MY ROOM, I bought it, he just lives here.  Just like Liam.  

So, Happy Valentine's Day.  Don't give your kids the expectation that everything they want should be theirs, and that they don't have to earn things, and we should just bend over backwards and give in to every whim.  Teach your children to be responsible and respectful please!  Even if they had a bad start to life.  It just gets harder, and when they are grown, what will happen when they realize just what it takes to maintain their unreasonable expectations?  

OK, enough.  If you are single, put down the cookie dough ice cream and re read all the crap I just wrote and be happy that if you wanted to make pink pancakes you wouldn't have to lock your bedroom door to eat them!  And otherwise, come play poker with us at 2:00.  There will be snacks, providing I can pry them away from Skyler, and there will be beer.  5$ buy in's, I think cash games, possibly a tournament as well.

A life where you are always learning.

Hola! Tomorrow is floor day, and my stairs will finally start their transformation from plywood to plywood covered with prettier and shinier plywood! We have been living with paint splattered stairs for like a month waiting for all the ducks and stars to align, and finally, if all goes well, by Sunday we will have finished stairs! Yippee!

Today, I went to an inclusion works conference with Skyler and Liam's teachers, and had a pretty fun time. The second training of the day was great, the first one was not for me, but it gave me 1 good idea of something to try with reading homework, so if it helps, it will be well worth it. While learning many other things I memorized a list of 20 motions and words, which is now totally stuck in my brain, usurping all the space of all the other stuff I heard today! Stupid sun-20/20 vision. That was the beginning and end of the list. Beyond memorizing 20 things, I had a great time getting to know Skyler's teacher, and ate a pretty tasty grilled cheese and tomato sandwich, plus I got 4 hours of training credits for the preschool, some wikki stix, and tons of caffeine. I think that teachers of children in elementary school learned many things, too many of which make us parents at home extra involved! Hahahaha! I won't bore you with all the details, but if you are honestly curious about what I heard and if anything could help you with your difficult child, or even not so difficult children, email me and I will be glad to pass along some info!

Teachers out there, I will pass along this website for cute science songs though, www.wphillips.com

And in case any of Skyler's teachers are reading, don't be surprised if his reading logs have picture summaries along with the writing summaries from time to time!

Tonight Brian and I have a dinner date at Maria Maria's with a couple of friends, and we can not wait! If I had extra money I would totally go out and buy something adorable to wear, but I will have to suffer with my very limited wardrobe. :(

Hope you are all staying warm and enjoying this sunny Friday! I hear that Dallas, Tyler, Arlington and Denton are all under a foot of snow today, so to them, stay inside, and HAHAHAHA!

A life including field trips!

Today was a super fun Liam day!  I chaperoned his field trip to the Bob Bullock Texas History Museam, complete with I MAX rah rah Texas propaganda, and it was cheesy fabulousness!  I lucked out and only had to be somewhat responsible for 3 boys, 2 of whom were incredibly chill and easy, and got to learn why Texas is the greatest state ever!  (it's because of Oil, Nasa, Farming, and cattle in case you were wondering!!) ((that was a little shout out the the super duper adorable Sara, boys and girls...))  Anyway, Skyler had substitutes today and as far as I know had no incidents, which is MAJOR, because 4 months ago he had just 1 sub and 1 regular teacher and all hell broke loose, and 3 months ago when one or the other of his teachers would just leave the room all hell would break loose, so the fact that neither teacher was there and I did not get a single call may mean that he heard what we were saying and wants to stick around!  He also was about to lie about homework, but thought better of it and stopped mid lie and turned it around.  I know that it may just mean that he is trying for a few days but the old ways will creep back, but it also means that he does care and he is trying, and that is huge huge huge!  If he fights for this life, we will fight with him.  So, let's all hope that he doesn't give in to the old habits so easily this time around, and we will keep reminding him what he is working for.  He was playing legos with Liam a few minutes ago and I heard him say "just get in the friggen car."  And I just about died laughing, because I have said that to him at least 100 times! Friggen is my almost curse word of the month!  He also was playing being a teenager and having to move out, which was kind of sad.  

Other than the field trip we don't have much to report today.  The morning was very easy, Skyler remembered how we talked about respecting other people's schedules, and at wake up he stumbled out of bed and said, "I am not going to make dad stand at my door or be late." and into the shower he hopped!  After school both kiddos did their reading homework and Sky did his log, and since then they have been playing video games and legos, it's all pretty peaceful!

Tomorrow I will be gone all day at an inclusion thing with Skyler and Liam's teachers, then Brian and I have a double date!  HOORAY!  So, in case I don't get back with y'all, have a great Friday, and Remember the Alamo! 

A life without wine...

Hello!  After not being able to get to work the past 2 days for obvious reasons, I am heading out there today, which means missing the Wednesday lunch and wine drinking.  And tomorrow Brian and I had to cancel our date, which was a wine tasting at Perissos, because we are not comfortable leaving our kids awake with the babysitter, and we would have to leave here at 5:30.  So, no wine for me.  :(  We are still going out to dinner on Friday, since the kids can go to bed at 7:45 and we can leave at 8:15, so one day I am hopeful that there will be wine again!

You are probably all wondering what happened at the family meeting last night, and if our lives are miraculously all better now.  The meeting was great, I think.  I, of course, did all the talking, well, Liam and I.  The 2 loud mouths of the family!  We talked about the events that had led up to me having to convince people that we were OK, and I am pretty sure that one of the people is still not at all certain.  In fact, she has not returned any of my calls since we made our decision to stay as we are for now.  But, back to the meeting...Skyler seemed to really care, he said he was scared and he wanted to stay, he cried and tried to think of ways to make it better for himself.  He totally missed the boat though, and I am not at all sure any real or deep thinking happened.  I laid it out for him that it was not going to be easy.  That Brian and I had been working tirelessly for him, and we had literally exhausted our last favor, and now it was up to him to convince everyone he was where he needed to me.  Liam cried a lot and told Skyler he loved him and was so sad and didn't want him to go away, so please to stop being scary and to stay here.  I think that impacted Skyler a little bit, since he saw that someone really was crying out of love for him.  I'm not sure that has happened much in his life.  But then, this morning it took 15 minutes for Brian to get him up and out of bed, and they may have been late for school, so who knows!  At least sleeping in is a normal 11 year old kid behavior, but we had hoped he would make an effort to be extra good for a while, not just be less super bad!  

Brian didn't say much at all, I think he is still on the fence.  He was so sad yesterday thinking about what would happen to Skyler, but there was probably some relief in the sadness too, and now we are sort of right back to where we were before.  But not exactly.  We will have some pretty big answers in a couple weeks, and have a chance to sit down with professionals and figure out, based on data, where the best place for Sky will be.  I am fairly certain it will be here with us, but if it's not, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  And whatever the outcome, that night, I will have wine!!!

Not so Terrible Tuesday?

OK, I figured I couldn't just leave things as they were before! I have had a super emotional past couple of days. Brian was just saying to me yesterday that he liked reading about our life because when it is condensed to just a couple of paragraphs it seems so sane, when the reality is actually quite the opposite most days. But I really think that as a whole our lives are sane, they just contain some very insane moments. Today was not so different. For a little while I thought everything was changing and that I was not as in control of what happens in my home as I would like to be. But, ultimately, caution and speaking up for myself and for our WHOLE family won out, and we have been given a reprieve for a little while. We had a big scare though, and I think the benefit was that I saw for the first time how much we have changed and how much we have grown to become a network that loves and supports Skyler. My one wish would be that he would join the cause though, because we can only fight so long without him before we are sure to lose. If he would join the fight, we would be unbeatable. I don't think he cares enough about himself yet to want to dig in and work it out. Fortunately we care enough about him to make up for it for now.

I talked to a person on the phone today who gave me some new hope, and we are going to be adding some new members to our team! It has been Brian and I for so long, now that we have enough people on our team to play soccer, we can certainly put up a better fight! She is going to work with us, and refer other people who will work with us. His caseworker, our caseworker, his therapist, we are all working together now. That will make this whole journey more meaningful and less stressful! In the meantime, we have to make some sacrifices too, and one of those was really saying goodbye to the life we once had. I was given the opportunity to get it all back to how it was before, and it just about broke my heart, and Brian's. So, now I know, this is where we are supposed to be. Liam and Skyler have no idea how close we came today to losing a family member, and I am so glad that I was able to rally and stand up for my family. We are going to have a family meeting to discuss the events of the day, and hopefully Sky can make a new pact with us to work tirelessly to remain an integral part of our lives.

Also, a positive for us is that we are aiming for August now for the adoption, it will no longer be March or April. In case the ball that has been set in motion lands us somewhere new, we don't want to lose the help of the state. (I know, I always bitch about them, but they do have some good resources once you figure out how to get at them and stop letting them dictate your life!)

So, sorry for the previous alarm! I am OK, and after a much needed 3 hour cry, feeling worlds better. Although I scared the hell out of Erin, and probably Chris T. because I am SO not a crier!

Terrible Tuesdays

I can't say much today about my little reality show! We are all faced with challenges in this life, and we can all rise to the task or avoid them. I feel that Brian, Liam and I have all risen to the task in this, the greatest challenge we have ever faced. But, when there are 4 people in a family but only 3 of them realize they are a unit, it becomes harder to move forward.

I am having a hard day, and I need some support, and I need answers. I am afraid they won't be the ones I desperately want to hear. Sometimes, I guess, things are not OK. But Skyler is everywhere in this house, he is everywhere I look. Isn't that what being a family is about? I only hope we are enough.

Stay tuned...

A life without doors.

 So we had a great learning moment this weekend.  Liam didn't want Skyler in his room while he was playing, so Skyler's feelings were understandably hurt and he came down to talk to me about it, which was HUGE (he never comes down to have actual conversations where he wants to hear what I have to say.). We talked about why Liam might not be comfortable having Skyler in his room with him, and I talked to him about how in Liam's whole life he has never seen someone kick anything but a soccer ball, break anything on purpose, has rarely heard yelling, and thought the whole reason for doors was just so the pets didn't get into our beds.  We talked a lot about trust, and how Liam had given it to him without thinking about it, but that when Skyler broke down his own door, and tried to break Liam's as well, that broke that trust.  And it's not Liam's fault. I said that I knew he would not have hurt Liam, and he never would, but for a smaller child used to a very peaceful life, he was now scared of Skyler, and it would be Skyler's job, not Liam's to show him that he is a sweet gentle big brother.  I asked him how he would feel if someone bigger than him kicked in his door, or got up in face and yelled for a long time.  I asked what he might think if he was in his bed and someone was trying to break into his room, and especially if he knew the person trying to get in was really angry and unreasonable.  So, Skyler said he would be scared but that he was really mad that Liam thought he would hurt him.  I asked him if he would think someone mad trying to break a door would just come in to say hi or play, and he said no.  It really affected Skyler and he actually thought about it.  Later he asked if in my life I had ever seen someone kick in a door or put a hole in a wall, and I said no and that neither had Brian.  He realized, I think for the first time, that actually most people don't live that way.  The rest of the day he spoke with a quieter voice, and when Liam asked him if he wanted to play with him, but in the family room where there are no doors, he said "yes, thank you for asking me." Like he really was starting to get it.  So, he knows now that we think it's Ok if Liam does not want to play with Skyler, or go places with him.  And Skyler will continue to get angry about it, but at least it is out in the open that he has at least been told that it can take a life time to build a trust, and only a moment to break it.  I think the biggest thing he got out of the whole thing is just seeing that how he was raised, up until 4 and a 1/2 months ago is not the norm.  I have a feeling that a lot more anger will come from that realization, I know I would be angry if I knew that things didn't have to be so terrible and so hard for me.  But I also think that maybe now he is finally starting to believe we are what we seem, and we are just trying to keep everyone here safe and happy and get back to a peaceful home life.  Of course, there were a million things that happened after that where I said "why me?" a thousand time, or really, "Why us?"   But at least some positives do keep emerging.  I recently discovered that I have a real talent for talking to Skyler, and I have a feeling the talent would work for other troubled kids too.  I know that 99% of it gets in there for the moment and leaves almost immediately, but still, he has heard it, and even though things seem to be getting crazier I have a real feeling it's because we are about to come out on the other side for a little while.  I said things this weekend and he listened.  I told him to do things, and he did them.  I found that asking and giving reasons just creates unnecessary room for arguing, so I stated what I wanted done, then I left the room, and he did it.  I didn't threaten what would happen if he didn't do it, just said Do it.  When he said he didn't want to, I said, "that's OK, do it anyway, I don't mind that you don't want to.  It will look the same whether you are happy about it or not."  Then, I would walk away.  The walking away is the empowering part, and it totally works!  Whatever it is that he is going to do to show he is unhappy loses steam when there is no one there to watch it! 

Happy Monday, and don't forget to say no to someone this week!  Also, if you have toddlers, I think the walking away thing might work with their temper tantrums too, the mentality is very similar.  My friend Sara is going to loan me a book, and the 2 others I ordered should be coming in this week too, so be on the lookout for reviews and any insight I may glean from them!

Super Bowl Sunday

Go Saints, or Colts, I don't really care!  I love the Super Bowl for the Freslee party, the half time show, the beer and of course the commercials.  The actual football is much less important.  I wonder if I could somehow make the Super Bowl a metaphor for life...Maybe it's too early in the day.  Come back to me later on that one!

So, yesterday was 100% tantrum free.  I wonder if not having a bedroom door is the reason for such a good night.  I think he will get tired of the lack of privacy though, and I have a feeling he will tire of it sooner than later!  But that's OK, we got a nice easy night last night so Brian was able to go out and hang with the guys.  

This week is a busy one for me.  I agreed to chaperone a field a trip with Liam's class on Thursday, mostly because I really like his teachers, and don't get much one on one time with the Lammy.  We are also going to a vineyard on Thursday evening for a pre valentine's wine tasting.  Friday I agreed to go to a conference all day with Sky's teachers about inclusion teaching.  And Friday night we are having dinner with a couple of friends!  So that means, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I will be putting in lots of hours at my actual job, if the universe will permit me.  I know, I manage to be an awesome mom, a great friend, a busy citizen and own a business, I should definitely get some sort of award!  (now is when I expect my 6 readers to start organizing the Julie So Coolie Gala for Awesome People.)  I have been learning the art of saying no recently.  You might think as a 31 year old I should have learned this skill quite a long time ago, but I am terrible at disappointing people, obviously, just look at my week!  That is only the stuff I agreed to do.  But I find that other people have no trouble saying no when it doesn't benefit them, and I really think it's time for me to hone in on the skill. I used to think that other people could see how busy I was, and if they asked me for help doing things it must be because they were truly stuck and couldn't find someone who didn't have a new adoption, a growing business, 2 kids, 3 pets, fencing lessons, art class, therapy, and a husband, to help them.  So I would feel guilty letting people down.  Now I see that I get roped into everything because I agree to do too many things.  Now I go to work a few days a week, and do the rest from home,  I have explained to Skyler's teachers the stress the constant calls home had on me, and now I only get called if it's very important,  I make time to hang out with friends on my schedule, and just this week I have said no to several things I didn't feel like doing!  Go me!  I used to think it was selfish not to help everyone or make plans with everyone.  Now I see that it is self centered to think I could handle everything that I was trying to do.  Everyone has a breaking point, and it's very important for parents to not even approach theirs. I feel like all of the misunderstandings and angry words come from being over worked and over stressed.  So, my advice for today is if you are a busy parent, business person, astronaut, or whatever, say no to someone at least 1 time this week, and take time out to sit in silence for an hour or 2.  The benefits are long reaching, I promise!  This is one thing you should say yes to!!!  

Saturday morning and all the creatures are stirring.

Good Morning!  I have been up for a little while pondering the events of yesterday and debating on what my plan of action needs to be.   Both my children's bedroom doors need replacing.  Liam's won't stay shut unless it's locked from the inside, so the cats keep sneaking in getting hair every where.  Skyler's "broke" last night.  I have to check the books and make sure it's OK for him to not have a door for a while.

Yesterday I mentioned something which made me think of the unrealistic expectations people have.  And since then I have been thinking about it.  As a child, no one says "when I grow up I want to by middle management", or "when I grow up I want to live in a small house and drive an old car".  But the reality is that will be the fate of many people, and actually, those are the lucky ones!  But it's good to have somewhat unrealistic expectations as a child, because it gives you the drive to at least accomplish middle management.  Imagine if you started out wanting to be mediocre, you would end up homeless!  I feel like as adults, we still cling to that idea of things being picture perfect, and I believe adoption is just like that.  We have in our heads that we will welcome a sweet but slightly troubled child in our homes, and our love will be enough that almost immediately the floodgates will open, we will cry together, then live as a big happy family.  Obviously the classes tell us that is not going to be the case, but we are human, we have a soft focus on our internal reflection cameras, and we all think we will be the exception.  Then, when we realize we are indeed the rule, it becomes surprising.  But how can it be that we are surprised?  And not just we, Brian and I, we everyone I have ever spoken to.  I guess the point of this is, if you are planning adoption, be prepared.  It's fun, and there are differences that come out over time, but that exception does not exist.  Your child will not come home, immediately realize how sweet he now has it and blend into your family.  You have to be prepared to blend your family to meet him part way too.  Once everyone gives and takes and gives and gives then you start to become a new family, but we aren't quite to that point yet, and I think it could be years before it really feels normal again. In the meantime, every day is a new adventure, and we are learning so much about ourselves.

I am off to be with a friend today, send your good thoughts and prayers (if that is your cup of tea) to Tiffany and her family.

It's Friday, so I hear!

So, it's Friday, and I am excited because I am going out for drinks with my friend Sara, and anyone else who wants to join us.  Weekends no longer hold the allure they once did.  In fact 2 full days trying to be upbeat and having to be a constantly present parent can be down right exhausting.  Today I have been doing research on avoiding power struggles, and I love how they all say basically the same thing, "establish routines."  We have the SAME things happen every single day.  Wake up at 6:35, take a shower, bring down laundry, take meds, have breakfast, get backpack, get in car, go to school.  Come home from school, have a snack, do your homework, play, eat dinner, put away laundry, watch TV, go to bathroom, brush teeth, get in bed, listen to me read story, sleep.  Every day, Mon-Fri we do that.  If they lose privileges they can not play outside or watch TV.  But routine is not the answer here.  In fact, knowing exactly what happens next seems to allow him to gear up to fight every step of the way some days.  So, I dug deeper.  And again found the same things... Do not engage your child, it takes 2 people to engage in a struggle, if you are not in it there can be no struggle.  So, what happens then if the power struggle begins not because a child doesn't want to set the table or laminate their gold stickers?  What if something far more sinister is afoot?  There are times when like it or not you have to engage someone, in the moment, and you can't lose your ground.  Sometimes walking away is not the answer.  Sometimes walking away could leave your home or children in danger.  At least it can feel that way.  However, there are things to glean from all of the textbook junk I have read.  I think the point is to not argue back.  If there is immediate danger, remove your other children, pets, and self from the situation, but don't engage the aggressor.  Removing everyone probably gives him some sense of power, but at least not the negative attention he was seeking.  In fact it gives the entire rest of the family a chance for some 1 on 1 time, which will really drive the power hungry kid crazy!  So, internet, I say to you, only once in a very blue moon are you helpful. And "experts", I do not believe your credentials are real or that you have ever actually dealt with a truly difficult child!  Sometimes, we just have to wing it!  I have learned to never bother getting angry, what's the point?  Now I actually find a lot of humor in our new family structure, and yesterday, we were tantrum free!  I call that a success, even though there were issues at school, arguing at Ouma's house, and traces of normal childhood angst!  

Have a wonderful Friday to all, and anyone who has realistic ideas to avoid power struggles that do not involve routine or consistency, I am all ears.... or eyes if you email them to me!

I love Thursday's!

Hello again!  Today is Thursday, and that is my favorite day of the week.  Brian doesn't normally work on Thursday, but the kids have school, so that means we have SEVEN hours to be kid free, happy people in love.  Our day still had the requisite call from the school, a few of the "really?" moments, and lots of errands, but we were alone together and that makes every Thursday the best day ever!  

Yesterday as I started out on this journey of blogging I had a million things I wanted to save for later or address another day so I wouldn't bore people with too much writing.  Of course today I am at a loss for words.  Liam got a brand new lock on his door today, which made him very happy.  It's important for him to have it, because even though there have never been safety issues, he has occasionally felt unsafe, and now he is secure with his new hotel style lock!  Fortunately he wakes up to alarms and knocks on the door, so in case of emergency he is accessible.  While we were at Lowe's asking about locks for bedroom doors I am certain the employee thought we were locking our children up, and walked away muttering about interesting parenting styles, so that was awkward!  I found myself trying to explain my life to stranger, and it got even more awkward.  But that is typical these days.  People don't get it, and obviously complete strangers really don't care!  

Yesterday I was thinking about the loneliness of adopting difficult children, and that actually came up again today.  We never used to care about plans, we would just go with it and have people over, get babysitters, have my mom keep Liam, whatever.  Now we find ourselves feeling badly hiring babysitters because we don't know what they are going to get, we can't have the kids stay over night both for personal reasons and because the adoption is not final, and having people over is no longer the stress free fun time it once was.  Now we are lumped in with the parents we never really understood.  When we get a babysitter then our plans get cancelled it sucks, because we rarely get out together, and it is a big deal to be able to get a sitter.  We also have the whole thing of people not getting it.  They don't get why a night out is so vital to us, or why we are different from how we once were.  And it's funny, because I used to not understand my friends who had scheduling or energy issues.  I always wondered who was ever too tired to go out for drinks...  I understand the feeling now!  I think we need some friends who are in our same boat.  Some people who truly understand what it is we do and why we are how we are.  I'm not saying we want to replace anyone, I love everyone in my life, but I think we are at a point where expanding our circle to encompass people who relate to where we are right now just makes sense.  I don't think we are alone either, I bet there are other people out there who could use an ear and a drink with someone who truly understands, and actually wants to talk and try and find answers.  So, I am looking into creating a happy hour, maybe once a month, for parents with older adopted children.  No offense to you baby adopters, I get that you all have your set of troubles, and if you are desperate we can probably let you audit our happy hour, (you may have to buy the first pitcher though.) but older children who come with their own bags and needs create a whole new world of emotional blackmail!!!  I want to open my life to people who both have and need answers, ideas and hope.  And I want to do it over beer!  

Tomorrow is Friday, and I if I don't get back here, have a wonderful weekend! 

The first 4 months. Or 31 years and 4 months...

Hello everyone.  Or more probably no one!  Almost 2 years ago my family started on this journey, and we had no idea what was in store.  We still don't.  Before I get caught up in today, let me say how we came to be here.  9 years ago Brian and I found out that I was pregnant.  We knew it was going to be a boy, we named him immediately, and it was the easiest, sweetest and most natural thing in the world, once he was born.  Pregnancy was awful, and I was told if I chose to do it again it would be more awful.  That was fine by me.  We decided rather than risk it, we would not have any more biological children.  In fact, at the time, we were just going to have Liam and be happy with that.  But, Brian and I both have siblings, and in fact, Brian has an adopted sister, and we realized over the first few years that depriving Liam of a sibling would be cruel and unfair.  So, knowing I never wanted to be pregnant again, and there were millions of children out there who needed families, we looked toward adoption.  Last year we took the classes and were finished around November of 2008, I think.  We had been looking into adopting a child younger than Liam, and were reading files and watching videos of adorable kindergardeners, and dragging Liam to different events to meet kids and play with potential little brothers.  Liam was never excited.  He agreed that all children deserved a family, but he was unhappy, and nothing ever materialized.  One day I was sitting on my couch watching TV and the phone rang.  It was a woman named Katie who worked for a news station doing Forever Families segments.  She heard from a friend of a friend that we were looking to adopt an older child.  (older children are all children over 3 years.)  She told me she met a boy named Skyler and that she loved him immediately and she wanted so badly to help him find a family.  Skyler was 10.  I mentioned the conversations to Liam and Brian, and Liam got really excited.  He wanted a big brother.  He liked being little, and wanted someone bigger around to show him how to do cool things and to watch out for him.  Taking Liam's excitement as some sort of a sign, we went for it.  We called our caseworker, asked for info on Skyler and the ball started rolling.  I think we heard about Skyler for the first time in May, and by July we were approved for the adoption, by Sept he was living in our home.  By October we were wondering what else we didn't know, and by Thanksgiving we were spending more time talking about Skyler to school officials, each other, concerned family members and therapists, than doing almost anything else, and by earlier this week we were clinging to each other like ports in a never ending storm wondering how it all got to be so crazy.  

Now that we are caught up, let me say the purpose of this blog is for people who have adopted a child or children, and had no idea what to expect.  Or for people considering adoption, to have a very realistic picture of what another family is experiencing and living on a daily basis.  I will try to be frank and honest, and will share any links or insights that I encounter during my daily struggles and triumphs.  My adopted son came to us with a diagnosis of ADHD, Depression and anxiety.  We have come to realize his issues are deeper and more abiding than we could have imagined.  We have also come to learn that as a family we are strong, creative, cool, affectionate and tough!  I have learned that adoption is the birth of a new family, and that means it is the death of the old family.  Sure, the people are still in it, but it is forever changed.  I learned that like death or separation, there is a grieving process that parents will undergo, and that my resolve is going to be tested again and again.  Adopting an older child is exhausting, and it can be so lonely.  It's very early days for us right now.  People ask me all the time, "is it worth it?", "would you do it again if you knew what you know now?".  To them I say, I haven't learned it all yet, so I can't answer your questions.  Ask us again in 15 years, and I still won't have learned it all.  Today I learned that family is a dirty word to children who have come from abuse and neglect.  Why would they want to be part of a family when time and time again family has hurt you, scared you, or made you have to go away?  Today I found this amazing website that gave me more hope and understanding than anything else had to date. http://scarjaspermountain.wordpress.com/2007/07/27/surviving-and-thriving-in-a-difficult-adoption/ And I also learned that curlers give your hair bounce, makeup covers new wrinkles (and there are a lot of new ones) and showering and putting on pretty shoes really does help. I now know it's OK to grieve your past (complete with bargaining, denial, the whole shabang), and that doesn't devalue your future.  Just don't tell your adoptive child that is what you are doing!   It's OK to admit you are angry, or that you don't know if you are strong enough, but it's not OK to stop trying to be stronger or to give up.  But sometimes, it is important to say screw it all, and go out and have a beer with your friends!