I should learn sign language

So, even though my job could be ending on Friday, I learned that there are a tremendous number people with deafness and other hearing or verbal issues. I feel like I should learn sign language. I am not saying that I can just go pick it up and it's no big deal to learn a whole language, but I bet I could at least take a class or get the basics down. Like Spanish Communications 1 but for sign instead. Also, and totally less the point, I bet it would help put me in a better position if I do indeed need to begin a new job search next week. So, no great long blog today, but I think I will start learning some basic sign language. And before you all think I just jump from project to project, I worked on my book again this weekend, but it sort of changed directions again, so I have to really think about what my audience is once it really takes good form. I am off work tomorrow and Thursday hopefully getting some wedding stuff done with a couple of friends who are getting married next year, working out all the legal issues I have gotten myself into with the business closing, taking care of my sick 10 year old, and hopefully sleeping a little too!

Consumerism and Christmas

This Christmas I have been blissfully working a retail job, loving every minute of the employees and the people lovingly picking out books for their families as gifts for Christmas, Hanukkah, the Solstice, and probably other cool traditions and holiday's too. But working in a bookstore seemed special, less focused on commercial greed. Even people buying Nooks and gift cards were giving education, open mindedness, travel to exotic places, keys to unlocking imagination, education. And while I was working this season I was too busy to do any shopping of my own, so I didn't think about the world out there buying everything in sight. It wasn't until last night when I joined the masses and this morning when I woke up and really thought about it that I started forming real opinions. Christmas has become what the Grinch feared it would. A world without presents, and Christmas would not still come. People must believe to their core that their families would not be OK with just having love to go out and panic and spend money they work all year to save, to go out and feed this greed. And then, people say it's "good" for the economy, as they spend their hard earned money at Walmart, Target, the mall...places where the business are publicly traded, places where the bank has a large investment in whether they succeed or not. I went into this Christmas wanting to make gifts, buy local, and chose each item with love and excitement. Then, last night, with my feet killing me, I drove to Target, and knocked out several items. They were things that were on my list anyway, but I paid more than I had planned just so I didn't have to go to another place. And the bitch of it is, that while Brian would be relieved if there were no gifts, and Erin would be too, Liam has totally bought into the crap that is Corporate Greed and would be devastated to wake up with no debt inducing gifts. All I can think about is that there has to be a better way. I worked my ass of this week and every penny went away last night in 2 hours. 41 hours of standing behind a register, smiling and spreading cheer, GONE TO FUCKING TARGET. People say to start early so it's not as tough right before Christmas. What about just not starting? What about standing on principal and saying, if indeed we are celebrating the 1/2 birthday of one of the most famous supporters of peace and equality, we will not riot for sneakers, we will not put our lives at risk driving like assholes, we will not skip mortgage payments or max out credit cards so that our children can continue to equate love with mass produced greed. We will stand hand in hand and sing like the Who's, we will fill a stocking with lovingly created and selected items, and we will celebrate the bravery of Saint Nicholas, who was willing to be imprisoned for his beliefs, and should be admired, even if we don't share his religion, but we will retire the coca cola santa who wears a red suit, gets fat, and hands out crap made in china. Today, I am bringing coffee and hot cocoa down to the homeless and to the occupiers, because even if I am not 100% sure of what each person out there is standing for, at least I am 100% sure that they know this isn't right or good or moral. The greed and consumerism that has always run rampant in our society has reached critical mass, and gift giving has gone from a task to find the perfect item for the perfect person, to making sure it's expensive enough, or electronic enough. Give from your heart, and only what you can afford. And receivers, be sure that whatever you are receiving, if it's not expensive or flashy or new, was selected with love. And let's all teach our kids that Christmas is not about presents. Don't just say that then buy them everything in the world, that sends mixed messages. If you care about the message of family and love, teach that. Start traditions centered around that. I screwed up BIG time this year, and have learned and will begin changing now. Liam and I are going to the store to buy ingredients to bake cookies for Santa, for the folks at work, and for the homeless. That will become a new tradition for us. We will become a family with traditions based on labor and love. I hope next year to not have to hear about riots, traffic accidents and angry mobs, but at least I won't experience them first hand, since I will not be at Target on Christmas Eve Eve, which shouldn't even be a thing!!!

Apparently the real kick happens at a month and 2 days!

Any of you who follow me on facebook or g+ know that today has been a tough day. I am sure I am looking at things all wrong, in a woe is me way, rather than finding some silver linings, so I am going to dissect the events of today to find a positive. First thing, the dog cried ALL night last night, so I was not able to sleep, there by making me more emotional than usual. The positive there of course is that the dog crying was the cutest most snuggley dog in the world, and I think he just wants his cat carrier back instead of his sweet new big boy dog crate, which is an easy fix. Second, I was woken up by a processor at 10 AM, to receive my summons. It could have been 9. And I have like 17 days to respond, so that's something. Third, I was complaining about the summons when the doorbell rang and a certified letter person dropped off the bill from the IRS. I guess the positive there is that the person who dropped it off also dropped off another package containing a Christmas present for Liam. After that, my laptop decided it wouldn't work, even when plugged in, which forced me to go downstairs and get out of bed. The laptop has since come to it's senses too. Also, I learned that Brian is super cool and totally willing to relocate for any reason! There won't be a reason, but it's still cute that he was on board. Some good things happened today too. I picked up my first pay check from a job I really enjoy. I found a really cute stocking stuffer for Liam for 1.07$. I bought groceries and beer for the party tomorrow, and have managed to hang onto my friends, despite all the crap I have been carrying around with me lately. Oh, and I lost 4 pounds this week, which is always welcome! So to sum up, being sued, have 60 days to work out a deal with the IRS, have an old crappy lap top, need a bankruptcy lawyer who likes doing things for free, or for beer, have a fun job, great friends, a super awesome family my teeth aren't black, and I speak the same language as most of the people around me, and I have a whole new creative approach to my wardrobe that has been really fun lately. (This is not a judgement statement, I am just saying that it's a positive when you can communicate effectively.) Am I in the win column today? I still don't think so!!!!! :) See some of you tomorrow! Love you all for reading this and thinking about me!

It has been a month

Yesterday was the monthaversary of the school abruptly closing. Seems like it's been either way longer or way shorter! Time is so wonky. In the past month we have been very busy. And very damp. It's been a rainy month, which is pretty cool for Texas. I would say it's washing away the past, but all it's really doing is tracking mud all over my house every time the dogs go out to pee. So, the rain may be washing away the past, but swiffer has been washing away the mud! I wanted to write last night when I was feeling inspired, but even more than that I was feeling exhausted. I have a new job and it's fairly easy in that I can pick it up pretty quickly, but it's very busy and I am worn out at the end of every day. Still, I love it! I love having a job description that doesn't involve figuring out how to make 200 stretch into 2000$. And knowing that if I make a mistake, the stakes are not very high. Another super weirdly awesome part of retail, is that clothes. I am loving picking out different cute clothes every day to wear. Yesterday I rocked pink tights and it was epic. I am not at all sure what I will wear today, as it's rainy and gross and my deerskin lined shoes got wet yesterday. Worst vegetarian ever!!!! Although, I promise I didn't lick the shoes. But it's neat knowing that like 1000 different people are going to see you and hundreds are going to talk to you, makes you want to blow dry your hair every day and wear makeup. It's weird that it's noon and I am still gearing up for an 8 hour work day though, that will take some getting used to. But all in all, I have accomplished a lot this month. I have sold everything from the school and it's out of my garage. I have my certificate to start the training program and my training areas chosen. I have a book in the works, a cool new job that I love, and a Christmas party coming up on Saturday. I still think it's weird that had things gone differently I would be at Miss Julie's today stressing and still working out the closing details for the end of the month. But I am so thankful that I am not. I still have some serious debt to pay there, and learned that a corporate bankruptcy is VERY expensive. I still have to finish up my w-2's, and all my IRS paper work. But I am getting there, and every day doesn't feel like another giant mountain I have to climb only to reach the top, sigh with relief then look ahead to a much much bigger one. I honestly don't know how I made it for so long, and think the recovery will still take a little while. I lived with so much fear and dread for so long, and was on the defensive every second, that it's tough to come back to normal and remember what normal even felt like. Anyway, I have a light bulb to change in my closet so I can pick out my retail outfit of the day!

Maturity means working rather than planning a hangover.

I have definitely reached a milestone in my life, where I willingly agreed to work at 10 AM after our annual Christmas party. I saw the stack of resume's awaiting the shredder and realized just how lucky people with jobs are. As a former employer, I know that people have a choice in who they hire, and even a choice in keeping someone once you give them a job. I believe that maturity comes with realizing, as an employee, that the job is not the lucky one to get you. I felt a little guilty actually, looking at the doomed resumes, and really hope the other people find something too. I am lucky enought to be a Sheehy, which is "merit" enough to keep a roof over our heads and our lights on. And Brian is fortunate to have found a great company to work for over 6 years, so he takes care of gas, credit cards and groceries. So, I do feel guilty that this may have been someone else's roof, or lights, or gas. But for us, it will be not eating pasta 4 times a week, not worrying that on the 2nd every month once the "Sheehy" money has gone to bills, we will have 45$ a week to live on, and I am really happy that even though it could just be a seasonal job, and I could have some more uncertain times while I hopefully establish my training career, for Christmas we will have extra. I think more than age, maybe it was being an employer that I saw how easily people can start to take their livelihood for granted and forget that the money comes from somewhere, and those people have a choice in who to give it to. I never regretted my choices of who to give it to, but it made me aware that even in a giant corporation, it does come from somewhere. I also learned through Miss Julie's that I completely devalued myself, which sucked. I worked for free for 4.5 years. The stress and heartache alone should have been good for 150K a year. But, that is beside the point for today! Today, I have a job, I will not take it for granted, and I will be delighted to trade my skills for money. For people out there who are still looking for jobs, don't give up hope, and for people who have a job where you are respected and paid, don't take that for granted.

And there goes the phone again!

I said there were things I would be filling my days with...In continuing to document my life since being locked out on November 14th, I feel like I have lost quite a bit of steam. I had the quick off the block flurry of activity, then Thanksgiving weekend of craziness, and now really nothing. Well, not nothing nothing. I got a seasonal job at Barnes and Noble that I start on Thursday, and I am completely psyched about that. And I learned how to make veggie broth from veggies and water and some spices. I also connected my laptop to my office printer wirelessly, played a VERY drunken game of Wingo (sorry, Sylvia), have done some Christmas shopping, learned how to make scarves and bracelets from t-shirts, realized that I HATE painting pottery while making some gifts for some friends, watched The Muppets and while doing so regained some childlike wonder and love, eaten like 15 meals out of the house, and put up my tree. That might sound like a lot, but that is literally all I have done since November 28th. There might be a few more mundane tasks, checking my mom's mail, planning food and drinks for the holiday party, watching the First 48 and to Catch a Predator at 1 AM... Really, nothing. I feel like someone else should document their lives so I can see how far off the path I am of "normal" busy! Right now I seem to be at "fill your day" busy. That's the least awesome of the busies, because it is VERY expensive. And while not working is FAR more lucrative than Miss Julie's ever was, I still can't go spending willie nillie. I learned that a bankruptcy on Miss Julie's will cost me several thousand dollars, so I should start saving, especially as my rotten toothed land baron wants to sue me for December's rent saying that I left before the lease was up and chose to go out of business. Pretty tough to stay in business when your locks have been changed. But anyway, I digress, and as Yoda says, "anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering." So, I will move on! I feel like I used to be able to sit down and knock a blog out, or a few more pages of my book, or whatever, so easily. Lately it's like I feel this tightness in my stomach every time I write, and while the words are here I am just waiting to be pulled away, distracted. I never imagined that being unemployed would leave me "fill your day" busier than ever before. Tomorrow Brian is off so we have to get his car fixed, correctly this time, do some holiday shopping, maybe play some disc golf, and who knows what else. Thursday I am taking a friend's spot volunteering at a food bank since she is busy, then working, then WINGO. If I can, before then, I will be back! Otherwise, if I am not working on Friday, I will dedicate at least 1 full hour to the blog and the book. In the meantime, here is a thought to leave you with, "Busy work means something that is meaningless, so maybe being busy shouldn't be the goal at all."

Things I will be filling my days with

Lately, I have been busy with family and Liam's birthday and everything so I rarely had a chance to be bored. Monday I went and sold some Unrepeatables to the fabulous Bond Boutique, and then we put up the tree. But I am having to focus on a plan for now. I have 2 paths ahead of me. Buckle down and spend at least 3 hours a day creating these trainings, then go out and do them, or get a job right now and jam out the trainings on my off days. If I go with plan A, I also plan on playing lots of disc gold, getting caught up on laundry, working on character development on my book, cleaning my room, steam cleaning the floors, and I think finding some good volunteer work to get involved with. If I go with plan B I can have money to spend. MONEY! I am really torn. Plan A could involve trying to expand Unrepeatables area as well. Where it is has been all but selling out, or at least selling well depending on the foot traffic of the shops and amount on inventory, but getting new places is tough. I guess I want someone to be like, hey you are awesome, come work for me for 5 hours a day for 15$ an hour doing something worthwhile and exceptional. I think everyone wants that, but I seem to have good results putting things into the universe. I have the red pants and a fridge full of beer, after all! If you are confused, you are clearly a new reader who doesn't also follow me on facebook. Additionally, if you have ideas of shops where Unrepeatables would be a must have, please let me know. If it's in another state or part of Texas I can still try via email and phone. Or if you happen to have the perfect job for me that is also temporary until January or February let me know about that too! Maybe I could be Mrs Claus at the mall!

Feeling weirdly nostalgic today

I guess last week being a lead up to a crazy holiday and family weekend kept me on vacation mode so I didn't really process that I am actually unemployed. It has really hit home today. I cleaned my house a bit, watched a lot of TV, took Liam to lunch, had him do some multiplication work, and sort of helicoptered around him mostly out of boredom. I am not cut out to be a stay at home parent, especially when I have 1 self sufficient 10 year old! I raised him as a working mom, there is literally nothing he needs me to do! I even pulled up all me former employees emails a couple hours ago to send out the schedule, then got all depressed. (Side note, the sliding glass door just broke and it's FREEZING outside. That might give me something to do.) I plan to get started on my training presentations tomorrow, as well and hopefully find a part time job to help with all this brokeness. Sorry, I am totally distracted right now between the broken door, my REALLY poorly behaved big dog, and the kids who are here! I will come back to this later. I guess I am busy after all! Hahahahahaha!

I am thankful for my education.

You might remember how I said I had been sleeping well. You might not either, that's ok. Well, I said it, then it stopped happening! As an exchange student we had once used to say, "Of course, my horse." But, it's not stress related, I am just not wearing myself out enough during the day. I should take up a hobby! No, not really! I did realize today that while I am currently working on a few cool things, as well as quasi thinking about getting a regular job for a bit too, I can cross a few things off my list of "jobs I would be willing to do." Office organizer is a big negatory! And kind of door to door help me get off crack by sending fake magazines to the troops, also a hells no. Any type of carpet of floor cleaner would be a disaster. Pet whisperer, also a no. CLEARLY, I am spending too much time at home with my weird and awesome pets, dirty floors, crazy office and annoying peddlers. Yes, I used the word peddler. Doesn't that bring you back to the days of James and the Giant Peach, or the Emperors New Clothes? And the poor folks wonder why we don't trust them! It's reasonable to decide on jobs you are willing to do by eliminating all the other ones, right? Quickest way between 2 points is going the other way for a while...I think I learned that. Oh, you know what I am really grateful for, on this the week of thanks? My education. And my parents for starting me out at a great middle school, which got the ball rolling. I am so grateful that I can categorize my thoughts and speak clearly and with a point (NO, not here!). Really. I am so grateful that I learned how to think critically, read large amounts of information and pick out key points, zone in and out of conversations and still have a basic idea what people are talking about. While I have been struggling this year because I don't feel like Liam's educational time is always wisely spent, I keep going back to how grateful I am that my parents found a school where I may not have agreed with their politics, but where I began my lifelong love of learning. I have been writing, besides the blog, since yesterday, and it really hit home that I am incredibly lucky in so many ways. I know you all are probably sick of hearing from Julie the eternal optimist, but damn. Education is like a little black dress. If you have a good one, it stands the test of time and with it you are always ready for anything. So parents, don't spare money or time or enthusiasm in your child's education. Don't let them stop at high school. It may not make them rich, or even pay for itself in financial terms, but the self esteem and world view that come with a good education are totally worth it.

The Week in Review

It's a short week for kids in school, and Brian finished working his 12 days straight and now has random days off during the week like a normal person. 12 days in a row was a lot, seemed like it went on forever. It's a testament to how much Brian loves his job that he was still having great days even on day 11. Day 12 was just a 3 hour meeting, so that was not too bad. Last night I slept 4 hours, the nap yesterday was a BAD idea! But it gave me time to think about the last week. I almost wrote at 3, and probably should have, but thought the typing might wake Brian up and I was too lazy to get out of bed. If you have ever taken one of those stress surveys you will notice that job loss or change ranks up there with death and divorce as most stressful life events. Moving is also up there, and I am going to say that emptying a 3 classroom, 2 bathroom, 2 office, 1 huge closet building in 1 hour counts as moving. So, 2 traumatic life events happened 1 week ago, no wonder my eye is still twitching. Thankfully it's just the left one now, the right stopped several days ago! I am so thankful that I am in my room today, writing this, not on the porch of my school having to to talk to people who also lost something, and were stressed and not ready for the change that was thrust upon them. It's tough when you have no say over the changes in your life, but that is reality. So often we are forced to change, to say goodbye, to adapt or perish, forced to admit that we are much less in control of our universe than we are comfortable with. A week ago today, I along with 5 teachers and 27 families, was laughed at, in the face, by planning and stability. I heard from Leslee that several parents said that things happen for a reason, and 1 family in particular was able to find care for her children for 1/3 the cost of ours. Alternatively, I am sure there are parents having a tough time finding care, but I know it's out there. I certainly take a wandering path to the point! It was 8 days ago last night I got the email with questionable English, and no question on the intent, 7 days ago when I stood on the porch and embarrassed myself, 6 days since I started clearing my home office, 5 days since I got my temporary trainers ID card, 4 days since I sold my Leap Learning System and was able to afford Liam's birthday, 3 days since I finally went through the hoarder stash in my garage, paid out my final payroll, mailed the last of the year ends and refunds, 2 days since every last scrap was sold, given away, or boxed up and put under the pool table, 1 day since I took a 3.5 hour nap rendering it impossible to sleep, and now today is a brand new day, in a brand new week, where I have no limits to what I can accomplish. It's been quite a week, and thank goodness it is OVER! Tomorrow Brian and I are going with Liam on a field trip where we once again get the Rah Rah Texas propaganda I drink up like soup! And then, family starts arriving to town. I guess today will be the day I actually tell my mom about the school closing. Oops.

A life of napping, why not?

It is Sunday before Thanksgiving! I have planned out my whole week, forgot that I was chaperoning a field trip on Tuesday, so I even re planned my whole week. You know what that plan did not hold? The cat peeing in my office, making it smelly, then me falling asleep while Lammy and Brian played Zelda, and ending up taking a 3 hour nap! My Sunday can probably beat all your Sunday's up! 4:39 and I still haven't showered or even brushed my teeth. Don't tell the dentist! I am at the point, where I am looking around my SUPER messy office, and I kind of just want to walk out of it and seal the door. Go all Tell Tale Heart with these files! (I can still hear the shredder calling out to me, "identity theft, trash bags full of 4 years of bills. shred shred, shred shred, shred shred.") I think I will start with finding a stud and hanging my paintings and diplomas. Believe it or not, I haven't even cancelled all the bills yet. Turns out the water company and trash service are not open on Sunday. Crazy, right? Maybe I will get a job there! So, besides napping what have I done today? I started my application, filled out which 14 counties I will work in, so if you live in Travis, Hays, Bastrop, Lee, Williamson, Burnet, Blanco, Ector, Midland, Glasscock (heehee), Cameron, Caldwell, Smith or Comal, you just might be seeing me from time to time! I know you are excited about the prospect of me sleeping in your guest room/couch/bed. ;) That's really it though. I am definitely starting to wind the pace down quite a bit. I have a TON to do before I am official, and if anyone reading this happens to own a child development center and would like a free training in exchange for a letter or recommendation, or for me getting the hours I need, please hit me up! I have 4 major criteria I need to prepare for, but beyond that I can also help with consulting you if you need advice on being sure your school or home is safe and will pass inspection. As for the rest of my day, showering, fixing my hair, and brushing my teeth are high on the list. Say no to BO, only you can do that for the world! To be a super power, you must take a shower. Think that will catch on?

Does it count as day 5 of unemployment if it's the weekend?

Today we had a final everything must go garage sale, and everything went. It was crazy! Now, after 4 1/2 years I have some signs that will become the coolest recycled bar ever, and like 200$ left from all the sales. Weird, right? Basically, with one epic week of craigslist there is nothing left. But, I am a vain and happy person because I have pretty hair, which I paid for with my garage sale money, and I feel pretty good. I decided that tomorrow is going to be a do nothing day, if I can manage it, so we will see how that goes. And Monday will be a day to clean, finish filing and sorting my office, get closets cleared out and my house back to normal. Tuesday I will restart the training registry, but today I got some clients who will let me "practice" on them in exchange for the letters of recommendation I need, so that is AWESOME. I had kind of a weird moment when I was in the car today, and I thought this would be a good place to sort through it. My 180 therapists, you ready? So, in my life, I have always gone to bed when I am upset, depressed, scared, tired, lonely, whatever. I lay in bed, but not really sleeping well, sometimes for days until I gather the clarity or strength or bravery or whatever I need. Also, I love my room, seriously LOVE it. I go there to watch TV to relax, to avoid cleaning, or not deal with the dogs for a bit, I just freakin love it. It's lime green, pink, yellow and white. It's the best thing ever. So, depressed, room, tired, room, want to watch TV, room. Every bit of bad news I have received in my life I am in my room, until I can be fresh faced and awesome again. Got it? Room=pacifier or thumb. BUT, here is the weird part I can't wrap my head around. Since Sunday, I have been in my room only to sleep. AND, I have slept. Every night, for at least 6 hours. Sometimes 10. In the morning I wake up, and I leave my room. All day I am busy and not in my room. Even when I had Miss Julie's I would dread leaving my room. So, here is the question, oh blogapists, am I not dealing with things? Is my hair red and sassy and my brain and body busy because I am avoiding the thud? Or am I not in my bed because I don't need to be? Only time will tell, but in the meantime, I have never had such a busy week!

"Unemployment" day 4

I hate people who tell you about the dream they had last night. Nobody cares and you are boring me. So, that being said, last night I had a dream that we were able to keep the school open one more week. Jen was happily decorating her room, Leslee was cleaning, the parents all came back for the week, and I was panicking! I kept saying, "I already refunded your tuition. How will I pay the teachers?" And the teachers were all,"that's not our problem." Meanwhile, I didn't even know we were open, I went to pick up my signs and they were business as usual. Turns out that being open was more of a nightmare than abruptly closing ever was! I think it's a good sign that I am having nightmares that we are not actually closed! I feel like documenting my last couple of days will not be as impressive as the first 2, but to be true to the "process" I will do it anyway. Yesterday I calculated all the year end tuition reports for parents for their taxes, washed all the blankets and pillows for the garage sale, and sold the playhouse. I promise that while that sounds like very little I worked non stop from 10-5:30 except when I took Liam to the dentist. Today I have addressed and mailed all the envelopes for parents due refunds, started organizing the garage, and that is all. Still on the agenda today is filling out the application for the trainer registry, and going to watch my niece Kayla do a monologue. Also, Brian is handing out final paychecks and picking up the signs. (Here's hoping that when he arrives it is not business as usual, I will freak.) So there is all the dry stuff. Emotionally, I am better every day. I am for sure embarrassed and stressed, and I really need to get started with filing for bankruptcy and telling the IRS and everyone that we are closed for good. Tax/government stuff has been my achilles heel since day 1. I am good with everything else, but timelines and taxes and forms are not my comfort zone. Also, I have gained 5 pounds in 4 days, so I have to fix that problem ASAP! Otherwise, I am doing OK. I went out last night and had a few beers and didn't get at all nostalgic or emotional, so I am putting that in the win column! Now if only I could fast forward to the IRS issues being resolved, everyone being paid and all the appropriate forms being filed, I would be psyched! One day and one major project at a time.

Now both my eyes are twitching!

My friend said that it might be interesting to chronicle the experience from the school closing through regaining balance and a new job. I have had a couple very busy days, and today I am ready, I guess, to talk about it. I am waiting for Brian to get home to help me set up my new printer/copier/fax because the one I have had for 4 years at MJLC broke several months ago and I could never afford a new one in between trying to stay open, pay teachers, buy snacks, keep the lights on, replace CD players, you name it. For 4 1/2 years what the business needed just to function took priority over what I needed to make my job doable or my life easier. My husband let me use our mortgage money for rent in October, he had faith I could pay it back. I did, but we see what the result was. Still, my home is more important. Sorry, but it is. Today, I am waiting for the new printer to be set up because I lack the mental strength to do one more thing, and just want it done for me. While I am waiting I should be rotting my brain on the 14 hours of TV I have saved since Sunday night, but I can't bring myself to focus on anything. I tried thinking about the kids, how much I will miss walking in the door and hearing them all run to the gate and say "Miss Julie" but I could elicit no emotion from myself. I am not heartless, I will miss them. I can't process that I will never walk through the door again and curse my broken printer, laugh at a story of a teacher misspelling something, or roll my eyes because we are once again "out of wipeys" and I am trying to figure out how to keep the water on. It's such a mixed bag of emotions that I think they are all just blocked. It's like the how in light white is what happens when you mix all colors. But that could be a good thing. White is a blank canvas, it's a clean slate. Of course, I don't have that either. I have 4 1/2 of tax debt, credit card debt, the last 300$ of utilities to pay now that they are being turned off. Still, I can climb out of that too. At least I don't have the "will she have changed the locks?" "Will the lights be on?" stress. I turned the ringer off the last 2 nights because no matter what, me waking up early can not solve anything this time. Or maybe I should just tell you what I have done with this my 2nd day of "unemployment." Not that I collecting unemployment, I never had a paycheck in 4 1/2 years, so there is nothing to be gained there! Today I found out what I need to do to become a certified trainer on the registry in Texas, and I chose the counties I will become certified to train in! I picked some out near Odessa too, because I love to drive and travel and I would be psyched to work near Nikki. So, I found what I need to do, and didn't stop there. I chose the counties, got my temporary ID card, completed the orientation training, bought a new printer to print out my first certificate of many, turned off my phone, closed my website (thanks, Chris) went to the bank, and grocery shopped. Not too bad for the 2nd day off of many! I guess that while Miss Julie's has ended I have hope and goals, and that I appreciate the saying down but not out. The sweet faces and happy smiles of the babies and children did not balance out the pit in my stomach, the panic attacks, the dread every time any phone rang. I have answered my phone today to unfamiliar numbers, and each time it has been OK. I will be OK too.

A life of ...

A life of what? Some people said today it was new beginnings. To me it felt very much like an ending. Or like a comma. Not quite the end, but definitely a pause. A life of friends, a life of family. A life of love. I live a life of love, that I am not quite sure I deserve. Today I had the worst day I can remember having, but the crazy thing is, it turned into a great day. Sure it was sad, I experienced some loss, as did Leslee, Jen, Ann, Matt, and Stacey, not to mention 27 children and their parents, but I understood something cosmic today. I was breaking, my heart, my soul, my ego, just about to collapse and my friends and my family unquestioningly rallied by my side. Stood next to me, called me, texted me, labored with me, and just loved me. I don't have the words. I am the luckiest person in the world. I want to work my whole life to make sure that everyone in my life is supported, loved, cherished. You know what is funny though, I went back on facebook after a little hiatus, and unfriended like 100 people because who cares? My life is not measured through having a ton of "friends". It's not like I don't like them, or have any emotion one way or another, but we are gifted certain relationships in our life, and those are the ones I want to spend energy on. My husband, my sister, my best friends, people I love and who love me; they should take up my time. I feel like this is coming out wrong. It's not about this. It's not about facebook. It's about life. Making a difference, helping people, loving people. I don't deserve this. Some really tough things happened today. Some people were not very nice at all, and at first it seemed tragic, like I wanted to cry and puke all the same time. Then, a miracle happened, and all this love just poured out all over me, all day, and all that bad stuff was totally meaningless. Name calling, mean spiritedness, some sleaziness, it didn't effect me at all. I was in this bubble of support, and nothing bad touched me. I don't think I will repay anyone for what they did for me today, but I will work even harder to spread love and hope. I know this sounds ridiculous, I totally get that everyone who is not me today will be like, "what the hell is Julie smoking?". But my life changed today, for real. And I hope forever. Thank you, thank you, thank you, parents of the school, my family, my friends, almost total strangers, thank you for your humanity. A million billion times, thank you!

Gloomy Grief G's

:( Wingo, South Lamar. I loved you! You will be missed! 8/2/11-11/1/11. Your kind words are appreciated on this most difficult day!

G is for Garage

Around 6 months ago we let our garage get taken over by the dark side. It was slowly starting to fill with clutter, garage sale items, pool things, junk we would drop in there on the way into the house, toys, shoes, you name it, it got stuck in our once awesome garage. Not coincidentally, around 6 months ago we started being less social and more TV and indoor oriented. Then, we let our friend move her stuff into the garage and it seemed like the glory days were over. Then, a birthday wish happened. Brian said that all he wanted for his birthday was a garage party, and it was like a light switched on and we got working! Within less than 1 full day the wreck of our garage was transformed, and call me a romantic, but I think it is even better than it was before. You might be wondering why I felt a clean garage was blog worthy. It totally is. For me, and I now realize, for Brian, our garage is not a place for storing crap, it's a place for storing memories, and creating new ones. It's our neighborhood bar, or our favorite sports team, our favorite group vacation. The Garage is magical because for 6 years it has been the place where friends visit from out of town, where birthday's are celebrated, where limo's pick up. It has had it's own my-space page, it's THAT old! It has hosted Christmas parties, haunted houses, rang in many a new year, has ushered in new friends, said goodbye to some old ones. The Garage is like your favorite socks, mixed with your favorite song, and topped with that pair of jeans that gives you a good butt! I am so glad it has been restored to it's awesome self and look forward to many more years of memories, even fuzzy or holey ones! Long live the Garage.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I think my favorite part of the alphablog is trying to come up with a good word. It's a hilarious look into my brain that I always want to share, but try to limit to just once or twice per letter. Today my brain is going like this. R...R....R....Regis and Kelly? Rancid, Republican, riki tiki tavi, regina specktor, religion, retribution, relinquish, rehab, rocks, rocky road, rocky mountain, relish (mmmm, veggie dog), rock steady. Finally, I must conclude that no R word is going to jump up and grab my attention. But look at that list. I think a therapist could go to town there!!! Oh, now I am thinking of R Kelly and that makes me think, once again, of WINGO. The guys tells an R Kelly joke every time he pulls an I-30. Isn't it tidy when everything in life comes back to Wingo? Don't you wish you had such a nice wrap up? But, back to my nothing to say. Repertoire...if I had one of those, I could just pull some stock piece of genius from it that would make you weep from the beauty of it all. Maybe I will put a bunch of words in a hat and whatever I pull out I will make myself write something amazing about. Or something mediocre. Mundane? Mercilessly boring? WAIT! I am doing R's. Stupid bossy M. Raise your hand if you are thinking to yourself, "self, I think Julie is drunk blogging again." Now put your hands down, you rapscallion. I am sober as a church mouse. And not a Catholic church mouse who got into the wine either! A baptist one who lives in Footloose town. Yeah, that's right. A footloose baptist church mouse. On that note of mental Racket. I guess I will let you alone. Maybe something great will occur to me later, but until that time, in the words of Oprah, "Until we meet again."

Really, you brought that back?

Brian just told me that Beavis and Butthead is back on the air, and not only that, but he is happy about it! What? That's crazy! It was one of his favorite shows when he was a kid, and now, it's back! Nooooooo! Thank goodness he wakes up early and we don't live in a one room house. Although, I have to say, I have watched South Park with him a few times this season and it's pretty hilarious. It went though a gross sort of dark time that either they are now out of, or I am even more desensitized. That really could go either way. Oh, other hilarious TV that I recommend is "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" and "Bored to Death." Neither are OK for kids, so be warned. So, today marks my second full day without Facebook, and thus far it is going quite well. It's weird to see the level of it's brain involvement, I would imagine it is like a smoking addiction, but WAY WAY less addictive. But similar in the sense of, "Oh I just got home from anywhere better check my page." Or," Oh I just got up to get a glass of water, better check my page." "It's a red light" "It's a commercial break." "I am on the computer for work." "I am in the middle of a borning conversation." YIKES! Yesterday, I played some online games, which were super fun, and I dusted the downstairs with Brian, complete with the tops of windows and doors, the ledge thing over the doorway, all the furniture, the electronics. I normally would have been on facebook thinking about how annoying it is that my house is dusty. One thing that happened that is new and not fun is that I woke up with my teeth killing me because my jaw was totally clenched and I was grinding my teeth. I am hoping it was from something other than Facebook addiction. Can you imagine? A physical reaction to not being able to be nosy!!! In other news, how is everyone doing? ;) I have to go to work for super awesome Pizza Movie Day and the kids are wearing their costumes so I am going to stop off at the store and get them some treats too! I hope you all have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend ahead. In the words of Springer, "Take care of yourself, and each other."

Radical

Today, I made the leap to disentangle myself from Facebook. That's pretty radical! I came to this decision after some work drama was aired right out on the page for all the world to see. Normally I would not jump to such a rash (another great r word) decision, but I felt compelled to it. Yesterday, my husband was unfriending people, and changing people's visibility, and importance or whatever, and it sort of hit me that the whole FB thing is really a way to be sort of catty, or gossipy without the face to face interaction that keeps people civil. I mean how many people are we "friends" with that we haven't seen or even spoken to in years? And yet, we check their pages and allow them into our personal business? Why? We can't possibly trust all 287 people we are "friends" with. What's to keep people from doing lasting damage to your name, or business or reputation? Fear would be my guess. Fear of retaliation, fear of being talked about in a vague sort of way that could be about you but gives you plausible deniability later...what is that? Facebook makes people paranoid, it gets in your head. So, after Brian asking me if someone's post was about me, then thinking about all the people we "block" or unfriend or talk about uncharitably, and realizing that I really don't want people in my business...THEN having actual business stuff aired so publicly, I figured, why not stop the cycle of issues, at least as far I am concerned. So, no more facebook. If I am being honest, I have checked Brian's page since I "quit", and probably will again! And I think I will feel a little lost without the constant bombardment and noise. But that is crazy too. It was SO hard to pull the plug, to deactivate my account. I couldn't even delete it, I just turned it off! And my hands were shaking and my stomach hurt until it was over. That's not right. That's crazy! So, it's been about 2 hours, and I have definitely transferred part of my addiction to google+, but I am hopeful that the death grips of social media are a little weaker now. Without a smart phone, I can't even check g+ unless I am at a computer anyway, so at least I know I won't be trying to check things at red lights now! To the rest of you out there feeling bad, or paranoid, or being compelled to check your page every hour, or every 10 minutes, or just leave it open for easy access...there is hope! And if people want to find you, they still can. Privacy is a good thing, and I am delighted to have it back! See you in the real world, people.

R is for running (it's not about running, it's about wingo)

Running is what I should be doing right now, before I shower, go to HEB for supplies for the school, go to work, go to the bank, back to HEB for stuff for dinner, come home by 3:00 to be here when Liam gets off the bus, help him with his homework if he needs it (he won't), make dinner, and finally do the thing I have been waiting for since last Tuesday, go to WINGO! As my life becomes more chaotic and stressful and upsetting, I have been clinging to this Tuesday tradition of Wingo, which is the chicken wing franchise known as Plucker's version of Bingo. This week will mark my 13th week in a row of attending this silly event. But, the social aspect, the potential for a free giant Plucker's mug, the fact that even though I am broker than I ever have been in my life, I can still go and play for free and drink 2$ Lone Stars and they give you the puzzle cap, it's all sort of a great equalizer. I mean, I know there are people who are in fact beyond broke, and would not be able to spend 10-15$ each week on cheap beer, and so in part it makes me feel more positive because as bad as I am perceiving things, I have not missed a Tuesday. I think another reason that Wingo has become such a comfort to me is that it is totally up to chance. Yes, I am 0-12 currently, but it's not my fault, it's not the caller's fault, it's just luck, and it feels amazing to have any aspect of my life be out of my hands, even just a game of chance once a week. You know how you wish you could just step back and let someone else take over? Well, for 90 minutes of my week, I can, and I am pretty sure it is what is keeping me sane. And I have to say, having a friend going through a divorce, one definitely getting the short end of the stick at her job, people with kids, someone who has to be married to me, all coming back every single week, I may not be the only person getting some therapy from a silly game, a 2$ beer, and 90 minutes of hopeful yet totally unimportant fun. See you at WINGO! But be forewarned, if you do show up, Wingo takes balls!

What? Journey starts with J

How did I miss that? J is for journey. Journey is both my name here, and an awesome band! Phew, so glad I realized my error before the week was over and I had moved on to R! (Thanks Rachel!) I sermonize a lot, I feel like I am speaking to a huge audience, not just an audience of 50 or so, but this notion of a Journey is very important to me. If this day were all that mattered, what would that mean? It would mean that I look amazing, but have done nothing of value, so my life would have no value but be pretty. Fortunately, just because today has been quiet and I am gussied up with no where to go, tomorrow will probably happen, yesterday happened, and therefore life becomes a whole picture made up of the important and mundane. While you should live life to the fullest, I can't get behind living every day like it's the only day or the last day, because sometimes you just have no plans! Imagine how exhausted you would be! Why sleep if you are only living one day? Why eat right? Why work out? All those people are full of crap!!! No one lives each day like it could be the last one, if we did, there would be anarchy and unemployment and healthcare would be even more of a nightmare than it already is! I prefer to live life like a journey. Some days you hit a deer, some days you drink a beer, some days you put on a super pretty dress, blow out your hair, and do nothing! But that's OK, because there could still be a lot of traveling left. Even on the best vacations, you have lazy days, or food poisoning, or hit traffic, or the bank thinks there is no way you could be somewhere so fabulous so they turn off your cards. Life is just like that! You have to roll with the punches, and it helps to have some really great traveling companions! And now, as promised, me on a bike, looking fancy.

And also, because they are little weirdo's, Liam and Brian pretending to be T-Rex's in the kitchen.

J is for jumping!

Pam asked what I was going to blog about today, but I am really exhausted. So, instead, here is a picture of Liam in an inflatable hamster ball that you run and jump in. We have been calling Liam Hamster since birth, so it is no wonder he was a natural in there!
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/303195_2247379220924_1141493686_32276234_1545523785_n.jpg
Oh, hang on, being super bone crushingly sleepy has rendered me incapable of loading the picture. I won't leave you hanging though so while I figure that out,
here is a funny story:
Earlier today, I got home from my super fun, busy, crazy, noisy, great day as a volunteer at an elementary school carnival, and was starving, because minus a muffin around noon and a donut around 8 (Jealous of my healthy diet? I know you are!), I had not had time to eat or drink a thing all day. So, first thing I made some pasta and got myself a glass of water. I also grabbed some cheese and put it on the counter, next to the cup of water, then I grabbed some ice and put it in the pasta! At least I hadn't grated the cheese yet, so the water did not go to waste. The pasta was OK too, because as it was happening I had that super slow mo vision and snatched it out (pulled it out like a confused puppy?).
OK, back to the picture issue...

Enjoy it! And feel free to suggest a new letter for me for next week. I will try for something more meaningful tomorrow!

The letter J

I should have picked the letter B, so I could put that KICK ASS Blondie recipe up, but that will have to wait for another day. I will stick with the J and make the most of it. Justifiable homicide? Just kidding! No, I want to admit that I am kind of a jerk! And not like a jerk who makes soda, or like the kind of meat, but like the kind of person who acts jerky! But not twitchy jerky, jerky jerky! Why would such a fantabulous person such as myself admit to being a jerk? Well, because I get so caught up with my own crap that I jump to conclusions about things, people, life, that might not be founded in any type of reality. Take yesterday for example. I was feeling very upset because I was jealous of this person buying a ton of beer at HEB, and I didn't have go buy a ton of beer money, and that very silly thing spiraled into a whole pity party whereby I started picking apart friendships, relationships, work, family, and everything. Weird how that can happen, right? Beer envy created life panic. I started going over texts and phone conversations with people from that day and the previous days, and decided that my lack of texts, lack of plans, and annoyance at being at a standstill at work all equalled having no friends, no future, and meant I needed to eat a tray of blondies. Sheesh! All from beer envy! So, today, thanks in a large part to one of my besties, Leslee, giving me a reality check, I realize I am indeed a jerk! (Although, Leslee did not tell me this, she was just being a good friend and I came to that realization on my own!) A jerk with good friends who have their own issues. And a jerk with good friends who would understand me better if I was open with them. A TOTAL jerk who doesn't have to have people over every weekend to remember that people still care about me. Also, I am little jerky for thinking the worst of not only one friend, but many different people. I have to say though, there are still a couple people out there I think I am right about! I do still have beer envy though, so anyone who feels like they may have bought too much recently, I can totally help you out with that!
Now I am off to Blazer Tag and the Children's museum. Fun right? WRONG! I have to pick up some gift certificates for the Cowan Carnival this weekend. You should come, it will be fun. You can call me a jerk and I will admit to it, but still possibly harbor some resentment toward you for being so mean!

How about J for Julie!

Really, it's for jealousy and how easy it is to feel it, even though we know nothing about other people's lives. Sometimes, I think, I know enough. I wrote this whole blog about entitlement, friendship, disappointment, and what it really means to put other people first...BUT, I knew it would cause a lot of resentment, so I deleted it. I will say that I do feel quite a lot of very nasty and negative things lately, and that I would really like the sun to come out. I'm so tired of feeling used. It's not the debt, the inevitable end, the super crazy awesome exciting promise of the future, it's the knowledge that I am coming out of it so much more alone than I entered into it. So, maybe jealousy isn't the right word. I am not jealous of those who have, they (to some extent) earned it, worked for it, traded something else for it, who knows. I think what it is is sort of amazed that people who have so much often times see so little of others, and automatically get this sense of entitlement. I truly hope that as a result of our struggles these past 2 years, and probably most of next year, Liam will not have that. I hope that not only does he not compare himself and his possessions to others, but that he does not demand what he wants from other people, and become angry at the world, his boss, his friends, whatever when things don't go his way. Sometimes, things don't go our way. And as I write this, I am more and more aware that the me of 3 years ago would have been an object of jealousy for the me now, and the me back then didn't realize how good I had it either! So, coming full circle, I suppose, the people I might envy, could have been where I am before, or could be there sometime in the future. There are no guarantees. I wish I had done things differently, trusted differently, prioritized differently, but in the end, I can't judge myself too harshly for trying to make things better for people I cared about. Wow, I don't know if ANY of this made sense, but I sure feel better!!!
And now, for your viewing pleasure, an apple trying to eat a dog!

O is for...

Did you know that the furry dust that gathers under the bed has a name? It is called oose. Isn't that the perfect name for furry unde bed dust? Oose. I will try to use that 3 times in sentences today. The best part is, I have no bed frame, so I have no oose. Liam's room, however, is probably oozing with oose.

Moving on.

Brian and I are heading to Mobile tomorrow for a wedding, and we are pretty excited about that. I am less excited because I have been a diet fail lately, and literally have nothing to wear, so I will be entering the depths of my closet today to try and find something suitable. In related news taking almost a week off working out was not the best idea I have ever had.

There are some real things that I can't wait to be able to talk about here, but can't right now, so I apologize for the obvious filler lately, but I am trying to stay in the habit of writing. If I didn't have so little to say, no one would know what oose is, so you're welcome for that!!!

Liam asked me last night if we could call Skyler because he wants to go see him soon. I explained how it's not really up to me if he is able to have visitors, and additionally we have no free weekends until January 14th. Liam pulls out the calendar to look at what we have going on, and totally admonishes me by saying, "Ummm yeah, mom, family is more important that parties, we are going to see him." So, we are calling him after school today to see what we can arrange. I really do not think they will let us go to him, normally they want him settled without distractions for a couple months when he starts a new place, but it certainly does not hurt to ask. I will keep you all posted. At the least, it will be nice to talk to him, it's been about a month since he moved and we last spoke. He was funny that day, we hadn't been able to talk to him for months because of the rules of the previous place, and the first thing he did was ask for presents. Kids!

Letter Of the week is O

I wasn't sure where to go with my letter O week, so I googled words starting with O, and realized some great ones exist. It hasn't made it easier for me to pick, but I thought I would share them with you and hope that something comes to me. Omnipotent, oven, obtuse, optimistic, okra, obey, ostentatious, oxymoron. You see, O is a valuable letter! It's outstanding! I thought about talking about obedience and how I am not a fan, because I was raised by someone who didn't always make good choices for me who said I had to "obey" her. So, that is a tough one for me. I took it out of my wedding vows, I never tell Liam to "obey" me, but I do tell him he has to listen to me and occasionally, "just do it because I said so, sheesh." I thought about that voice that got into the upper registers of the heavens just saying HONOR AND OBEY, meanwhile I was wearing prairie clothes and marching though New York on cold nights waiting for broken cameras to show us signs from above. Then I thought, my mom wasn't the only one out there making those choices for their families, how many other kids grew into obedience fearing adults? I have to say though, I am glad that knowing things were not right caused me to ask questions and not just accept things on faith. Some faith is good and necessary, but there is room for science, for observation and questions. I could have gone the opposite direction, the direction it seemed like I should go, and just never look up, never see how the rest of the world was, but then I wouldn't have been me. I went through a phase of not wanting dresses or skirts, and I still hate conforming to what people in a certain demographic think is right. I hired a cool hippie guy with spacers in his ears to be a teacher, because who says guys with big earrings can't be awesome teachers, and I was right. I have shown more than a little cleavage in my day because the I was raised with the two fingers from the neck is too revealing. Except in cases of extremism I try to be tolerant of everyone, and maybe then I should be too, because I guess you never know how someone was raised. I am not saying kids should be given carte blanche to act like jerks and run their mouths, but give them a reason to listen, don't just quote the catechism or some other far reaching doctrine. Obedience, to me is not a necessary vocabulary word. Respect me because I am fair, not because we share DNA. Honor me because I am honorable, not because I carried you for 9 months. "Obey me" because I am only trying to keep you safe, and because we love each other.
Look at that, I guess I went with obedience after all!!!

Letter of the week is O

I am going to try something a little different from now on. I will pick a letter, if no one picks one for me, and write a few blogs through the week incorporating it. One about character, a recipe, something personal, who knows what pattern will develop over time. This week, I am choosing O because I really want to say something about obesity and how it doesn't have to keep escalating among our children. In 2008 33% of children and teens were found to be obese, and I know the number is higher now, but I can't find the exact number. That leads to diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, low self esteem, etc. We all know that, but what gets me is how people say they don't want to deprive their children. As a child who had a mom who thought swamp soup was a good option to pasta, and that whey and wheat germ were sweet enough, I get that having no sweets will make you curious, and even resentful. So, I have thought of a new plan for you! A. Don't buy chips, oreos, ice cream, donuts, and soda to live at your house. B. Don't eat fast food every day. How will that help us not feel like we are going without our delicious trans fats and sugar highs, you ask? Here is how. When you go to the grocery store, use the money that you would have spend poisoning your family on good healthy, and still inexpensive things. I buy whatever fruits and veggies are on sale and go from there. Then, with the money you will have saved on the crap and the doctors bills, go out for dessert once a week. AND when you go to Subway, instead of McDonald's, because it's the same price only better, get chips there. So, here you have 2 times where you have sated the junk food craving, so your kids won't think it's unfair that they never get chips or pie, and you will think how lovely it is that you haven't had to buy new pants for Jonny this month since he hasn't outgrown his again, already. I promise you, as a broke over weight person, healthy food is just as cheap and just as easy to prepare as junk food. And for the record, Kraft Mac and Cheese is not the same as whole wheat pasta and sauce, but you can spend 2$ on either. The difference is that 2$ for the whole grain pasta and jar of sauce will feed your whole family, not just Jonny. There is my soapbox. Please stop poisoning your children.

Prankster also starts with P

If there is a person out there with a really odd sense of humor, please give us back our forks. Thank you for leaving us with 3, since there are 3 of us, but we used to have at least 12. I promise I won't be mad, we just want to quit washing our 3 forks over and over again.
Thank you!

Procrastination

It starts with P, just like perseverance, so it's just as good, right? Of course it is! I am sure you are all thinking that I am the SPEEDIEST cleaner/dog washer errand runner in the world, if you have been paying attention to me facebook update. In fact, my house is dirty, my dog is dirty, even my hair is dirty. Since the letter of the week seems to be P, I wanted to throw procrastination in the ring as a contender for something that can be just as useful as perseverance, and isn't NEARLY as bad as pride. OK, so I am not cleaning my house, dog or hair, but I am taking a few minutes to "be bad". A few stolen minutes that don't involve a gross task, and that won't use my gas, and don't give off harmful toxins! Procrastination is looking pretty peachy now, don't you think? I mean, if we all did everything right on time, big money would be the only winner. We would have so much more time and money to watch TV and buy the products advertised. So, the 5 minutes it took me to write this, was 5 minutes network TV and Walmart can't have. You're welcome!
Happy Friday pretty people! What should next week's letter be?

Perseverance

My son's homework assignment is to write a paper on perseverance and how he has persevered in his life to make something better. It really got me thinking about life, both his and mine, and what a wonderful topic that is for a 4th grader in public school. Growing up, I went to a girls school where we had weekly circles dedicated to living virtuously. At the time I really liked them, and I do believe that religious or not, living with virtue is important. I remember learning about perseverance, courage, friendship, all the big ones, and I want that for Liam too. Just because one grows up without a church does not mean one has to grow up without character. In addition to learning by my example, Liam needs to learn the words, and that it is not just his crazy mom who thinks he needs to know these things. So I am really glad that in a public school, in an academically deficient state, my son is not only learning math, science, and reading, but he is also getting some character development. I am also very thankful that a public school pointed out something we can certainly do more of at home.
Now a total side note:
The other day, Liam needed to call a friend for homework help, and the little boy's mom answered the phone. Bad parents that we are never taught Liam phone etiquette, so he says "Hey. (LOOOOONG PAUSE) Is Doug there? (LOOOOONG PAUSE, I am assuming the mom was talking at this point.) This is Liam. OK, See Ya. (and he hangs up!) So I taught him that when calling someone you start by saying, "Hello, this is Liam, may I please speak with ______). He is SO incredulous, he asks how I know this. I reply that everyone knows this, but in the cell phone era you don't use those manners as much because you are calling a specific person and your name will show up on their screen, but when calling a landline you have to identify yourself. And also say Thank you, goodbye. I make him call Brian at work to practice this, but instead he calls to ask him if it's true or I just made this rule up! Then, the next day Liam tells me that I couldn't possibly have learned it from Ouma (my mom) because she never answers the phone or calls anyone up! He has since not made any phone calls!!!

Friends are total game changers.

Yesterday was a really tough day for me, coming at the end of a really tough year, midway through a really tough month, of a really tough year. In case you are more than a little brain damaged, things have been tough for me lately, get it? Good. But yesterday I texted my friend Jessica, went to her house, and had a few beers. While there my other friend Amy gave me tickets to her sketch comedy too, so I went from a super foul mood to laughing my butt off! Jessica probably got 3 words in, but she let me just talk and talk and talk and bitch and be afraid and angry, and it was amazing. Brian also lets that happen, but he is here every day, and he tries to offer solutions, because he loves me, and I know he really feels my fear and anger and sadness, so that is a whole different kind of help, and sometimes you just need a girlfriend! So after a few hours of hanging out organizing medicine with Jessica, we all went and saw the sketch comedy that Amy wrote, and it was amazing to laugh my ass off and not think about life for a while. After that, since Erin gave me 10$ yesterday, we went to Taco Cabana and I had delicious taco's and tea, which probably saved me this morning! So, all in all, the girls in my life were total game changers yesterday. Oh, AND, Brian had magic erased the whole house, after he cleaned it while I was at Jessica's! So, clean house, free comedy show, amazing time with Jessica, Taco Cabana. Am I lucky ducky or what?

In the spirit of solidarity...my life is also kind of sucktastick right now.

So, my friend Dwija recently wrote a couple blogs about her frustrations and also her hope while going through a less than ideal time financially. I admired her bravery, and decided that I would join her super cool band wagon. Although, she manages to say things without sounding like she is complaining, and I don't really possess that gift! Anyway, everyone who knows and loves me, and doesn't just know me professionally or PTAally knows that things have not be ideal, but I melted down today after the teeniest little setback just seemed like a mountain of crap. Generally, the melt down means it is time to put it out there and get over it. So that is what I am doing. I am not even sure where to start, but I guess I will say that the worst parts are not being able to buy groceries with debit, and actually using a credit card today, also, knowing that I am letting down people I really love by not being able to fix everything, and even more because while they are starting to feel stressed, I am starting to breathe, and the feeling of being totally and completely stuck in metaphorical cement, (or Ceement for you Texans). After that, I am pretty mad about my car being in the shop for 3 months, and costing us 1000$ to fix. The plus side of that one has been getting to hang out with Brian a whole lot more, the down side has been making Liam come with me to pick him up from work sometimes at 9:45 on a school night, and not being able to socialize as much, due to all the driving (that's probably a plus and a minus!!) I am grateful and annoyed that Liam has no clue how tough things are and still treats his things like crap and asks for more all the time, but he's a kid and is spending this fine afternoon cleaning as soon as he gets home from school! Also, I feel pretty crappy for melting down because of a car, or buying groceries on credit. I mean, we have another car, and we have plenty of credit. Our bills are paid, our friends are awesome, we are happy and healthy, what is WRONG with me?!?!?! As I look around the house, which needs to be cleaned but we lost the maids over a year ago and I don't like cleaning, I know what the problems are, and they don't have immediate solutions. I can't have more money right now, I can't have my car back right now, I can't wave a magic wand and have a decent landlady, I can't poof the past 4 years away and wake up to a thriving career for myself and Brian, and it sucks. I made all the choices and went down all the roads that led me right to where I am. So, now I have to make the most of the Louisiana style highway I am on right now, and work toward finding an exit onto a brand new toll road with fewer bumps and cleaner rest areas! And if anyone has ever had the desire to be a maid, and just needs practice before getting into it, we are here for you!

Embarrassing car days happen.

I woke up this morning, not feeling like P-Diddy, but feeling like I had things to do and was glad to do them. I went to Sam's Club and had a pretzel, bought giant amounts of things so I wouldn't have to get school supplies for a little while, actually showered, got brian a cool backyard mister, and headed to work. I was loving my cold AC and jamming to Kiss FM, when right there, on Hwy 620 and Bee Caves Parkway, I stopped at a red light, and. And. And. Nothing. My car wouldn't go. It just laughed at me, blaring the radio and the AC, proving to me that no, it's not the battery, it's something more. I put my hazards on, and people continued to beep and me and flip me off, because obviously, I just wasn't moving because I was on the phone. Eventually 2 really nice men pulled over, ran across the 5 lane road (thank you!!!!) and pushed me into a little dirt parking lot. From there, I gathered my senses, had Brian come get me, called a tow truck, and had Kaitlyn (thank you, too!) come pick up all the school supplies. I called Lakeside towing, and Bob was SO nice! He towed me to Machine Works, I hope it's an OK place. Meanwhile, Brian arrived and told me that I had to jump into his car, because the alarm broke so we can't open the doors anymore. The top was down, because the mechanics are broken so it's hard to put up. The windows were down, because there is a short in the driver's side window and it won't go up if it's hot out, it's 103 degrees! But, that car came and got me out of my cold AC, rocking music piece of Chrysler! Of course, we arrive at the car place, and I forget and open the door, so the alarm goes off for 3 minutes, and the car fixer people assume that is what is being repaired. Oh no, that's the good car, I explain sheepishly! Eventually, the inexpensive and very sweet tow is paid for, paperwork is filled out, and I head back to take Brian to work. He climbs out of his car, I climb across, and drive home. I arrive home, climb out, get laughed at by Liam, brush my hair, and open a beer. Stupid cars!

A life of drunken ramblings

I hope you all enjoyed the insane ramblings of a drunk girl at 3 AM! Generally speaking, I try very hard to stay OFF the internet and phone when wasted, and now you can all see first hand why that is a good idea! In the meantime, happy Saturday, I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Rapture tapture

So, after a night of apocalypse music on repeat, I have realized a few things. First...I totally get where Ruby Tuesday is coming from. Who wants to be chained to a life where nothing is gained or lost? Can you imagine? I am glad that song did not make the cut. But other songs did. None that had real life or death meanings to me, immediately, but still, other great and thought provoking songs. Songs like what? Oh, yay! You asked! Songs like, Sinatra's "My Way." First I was going to pick out few choice lyrics, then I realized that EVERY SINGLE LYRIC is gold. Seriously! I defy you to find an unimportant lyric, you will fail! It is an epic lyric. I wish I had such mad songwriting skills!
There were other songs too. The Earth Died Screaming, Party at the End of the World, It's the End of the World as We know it...but whatever. All of the songs, the deliberations, the jokes, it all made me think. What if there is a song that has no end, and it goes on and on my friend. But more importantly, what if there is not? What if, one day, death becomes us all? Will we get a last moment to identify a moral, a theme, a motif for our life? Will we be loved? Will morning come? Will Tuesday be gone with the wind? If feel like I have to be free, will it stand to reason that other's may feel as passionately about it?
What happens if tomorrow you, me, Britney, Sinatra, Michael Stipes, my puppy, and your mom are in the same boat we are in today? I sincerely believe with every fiber of my being that will be the case. In the meantime...As for the crazies who are out there buying billboards and radio time, well, I love your commitment and your optimism, and I would love to meet you! I assume such a meeting is available with you ALL after 6 PM tomorrow! If I am wrong, and a self taught biblical scholar is right, I am glad to go, because clearly, there is no justice!

A life of long weekends!

Well, sometimes a life of long weekends, and this is one of them!!! I am taking Monday off from my already established, but giant ball of stress, of a business, to pick up my other job as "Director of Sparkle" for Unrepeatables. That job is WAY more fun! I get to give away presents, check out tons of cool local shops, and inevitably have a paloma or some wine with my lunch when I am done. Plus, my friend Michelle is the Ambassador of Bling, and comes with me! So, needless to say, this long weekend will be a fun one; from 6:30 when I get off work to Monday when I go to bed. My days and nights will be filled with kick ball, power hours, Margarita Sunday, grilling with Shelly and Dan, getting our pool set up, and a celebratory dinner with Liam for kicking the ass of standardized testing (of which, I am not a huge fan.)
Also, I am not sure if I mentioned it, but Skyler is being moved to Denton today, so Dallas and Fort Worth folks, expect some Connally love this year! We will try to do every other visit without Liam so we can have fun weekend nights with friends, and fun weekend days with new family therapists and staff members. At first I thought I would be upset that he was being moved so far from us, but now I think it will be cool to get a weekend away every 6 weeks or so. I haven't been to Dallas since we moved in 2004, so it's time to get back to visit. Maybe it's the impending weekend talking, or maybe the fact that every Friday means that I have successfully conquered one more week as a business owner, but I am feeling great today, and hope that everyone else is too!

A life filled with confusing elderly people.

OK, so this is not in my normal vein of bitching and whining, but I have to express my fear for the safety of our elderly! A growing problem is endangering their very lives, and it is a problem that is reading epidemic proportions. This epidemic is plastic surgery. I was at Randall's today buying paper towels and was very exasperated waiting for this man who appeared to be in his late 50's-some indistinguishable age older than that. Not an old man by any means. He was at the crosswalk looking at me, and I was waiting for him to cross. Then, I waited some more, and some more, and upon a closer look realized this man was easily 80 years old. This man, who took no less than 4 minutes to cross the street, with the help of a shopping cart, proceeded to drive away on his on, very slowly. Thinking this was a dangerous event, that was not without humor, I began driving away, only to see another "young" lady of 110 come out of the twin liquor, get into her caddy and drive away. How will the boy scouts get their badges? How will we know who to brake for and who to curse at? Where will we turn for war stories? What is to become of us? I am scared!

A life with 1 car.

I am not overly familiar with the Bible, but I reminded of Job lately. Lately being for the past year plus. I am listening to you, universe, but that doesn't mean I accept what you are saying, or that I am interpreting things correctly. Friday afternoon Brian's car died in Spicewood (Hi AJ), while he was on the way back from visiting Skyler out west. I was in Odessa, so unable to help, but Dave came and saved him. I guess I can't be too surprised, it is a 2000 Ford Mustang with a shit ton of miles on it. But, it was my college graduation car, and is still sad. We are, ridiculously, going to look at fixing it up ourselves, since we don't have the money for a new car just now. In the meantime, we are down to 1 car. 1 car, 1 child being moved to (steady yourselves) Denton, 1 in school who has been bullied on the bus but its TAKS week, so they can't really fix the issue yet, and 2 jobs in 2 different towns. That seems like a losing equation! Fortunately, it's KickBall weekend this weekend, and Brian and I are happily both going to be off work. I feel like at some point our luck will change. At some point there will be money, cars that work, kids who both feel safe and happy all the time, wherever they are, and I will be a size 6. At some point. In the meantime, all we can do is our best every day and hope the universe stops testing and starts helping!

A life with home visits? STILL?

So, here is an interesting thing you should know! If you have ever become involved with DFPS you have a "friend" for life. Here we are, 13 months and 3 home visits later after Skyler moved out. Apparently, in order to exist in his life in any capacity we have to prove ourselves, not through frequent and meaningful interactions and unending family therapy, but through a series of invasive and pointless opportunities to clean out house from top to bottom and make it look like we have things like milk, and not things like beer in our fridge! The home visit, which used to be the dreaded "what in the world is he going to say about us this time" visit, has turned into the "no, it's cool, we don't have jobs, and we do think it's totally reasonable for you to tell us we can't have a swimming pool, visit. Seriously. No pool, in case our adoptive son, who lives 400 miles away happens to fall in it and drown. Also, he has to have a mattress cover on his bed, in case his pee can travel through wildfires and walls and county lines. Yup, the kid who lives elsewhere doesn't live in what is officially the most child proofed house ever, for 1 hour each year. Good thing though....If he ever did visit you wouldn't want the 12 year old drowning in our 3.5 foot pool, or opening any cabinets. The "visit" is in 30 minutes. Funny enough, the exact time I should be picking my son up from school, who does live here, even the rest of the year when we have pools and beers and open cabinets. He has been bullied at school and on the bus, which he has to take today, because of the home visit to ensure that the child living 400 miles away has a safe place to not come home to. Welcome to bureaucracy.

A life where 4/20 has no meaning!

Sorry to anyone out there who's birthday is today, if I know you, and I knew it was your birthday, it would have meaning! Instead of skipping class/work/life to hang out in my yard like a ne'er do well, I am here sitting at my desk, after being at work for 7.5 hours so far. (Kind of still like a ne'er do well, blogging instead of invoicing.) But even still, it's a big change from the 22 year old Julie of my past. Which makes me think about all the versions of oneself one encounters throughout their life journey. I have gone from a long dress wearing, club joining, church going kid, to a cargo pant wearing, dread lock having, keg beer swilling, political view finding, insecure 20 something, to a liberal, outgoing, family loving, keg drinking, secure in myself enough to not over think every last thing 30 something. It makes me wonder what the 40's will bring. I understand why people say the 30's are where you really find yourself, and where you finally feel comfortable in your own skin. I hope this version on me, but with a bigger bank roll, sticks around long term! When do you make the transformation from comfortable and cool to crotchety and too secure so now you are know it all? (Don't deny it old people, you seem to think you have all the answers, even though what those answers are differ between each of you!) That's a journey I am not looking forward to now, but I wonder if I will like it when it comes. It's been a weird week, I have been faced with the question of mortality so many times in the last 36 hours. The Julie of her 20's was scared to death to even contemplate what it meant to be human. (SHUT UP, I know I was a philosophy major, I have always been big on facing my fears head on.) But, this weird, and brand new 30's Julie doesn't seem to panic as much. I mean, I still freak when financial crisis occur, but those never happened in my 20's either. But I don't spend as much time crying (yes, actually crying) over a world that will one day not know me. (That's probably why I take SO many pictures of myself.) Tangent loving crazy lady say what? Where was I? Oh yes, it's 4/20, I am not stoned, I am at work, and I am fine with it. Hope everyone else is happy with their decisions de jour as well, whatever they may be.

You know that voice in your head?

I am not sure if everyone has that voice in their head that says "I am meant to do something good." Or worse yet, the one that tells you that you will "change the world" by doing (insert world altering greatness here), that won't be silenced no matter how many beers you drink and kittens you save. Well, I have that voice. That aspire to reach new heights, stop at nothing to make a difference, egotistical but in a well meaning kind of way voice. And here is the result of listening to that voice, as of 4/19/11. We have 1 sweet gray kitty, who is a boy but named Rosie, and 1 missing and presumed dead black and white devil cat named after Soren Kirkegaard, 2 frogs who have their own story, a very high spirited and wonderful 2 year old "puppy" named Guthrie Pants, 1 sweet genius of child whom we named Liam but who also responds to hamster, a great marriage, despite it all, and a Skyler, the tangible result of listening to that voice. When Skyler was living with us I wrote all about the ups and downs, the uncertainty, the fear, the hope, and innocent love that a small boy can have for someone called "brother." Since he left us 13 months ago, instead of writing about our still wonderful family and all our ups and downs, hopes, fears, promotions, catastrophes, and triumphs, I let myself think things were "normal." No family is normal, and especially no family with at least one person with a loudspeaker for an inner voice! So, here is the new story, of the same family, not the aftermath of Skyler, but the possibility of a future where maybe everyone has an inner voice, and maybe you don't have to jump into a volcano to silence it, just go for a run and smile at strangers. Today is a sad day for me. Emotionally I officially transitioned to "maybe" to "certainly not". But it's a day where I don't feel like I would have 1 year ago. I don't think anyone has failed anyone, and I don't think anyone is to blame. I think, as my best friend Nikki so aptly said, "Too many demons for such a young life...I will keep as many positive thoughts as I can for him." I don't even feel like that voice led me astray, it just led me a little too far off the path. I found my way back, (can't say the same for the missing and presumed dead Soren) to a world where I can appreciate that everyone should aspire to do the best they can for themselves and their families. I love Skyler and will forever be sad that we couldn't save him, and that love wasn't enough. But, he felt our love, and he still does, it just wasn't enough to quiet his voices, that unfortunately didn't lead him to grand save the world gestures, but rather to one heartbreaking decision after another. I hope that medicine can prevail where love, structure, and family couldn't. But, no matter what, I know that Brian, Liam, Rosie, Guthrie, Elvis, Joey and I are going to have many more adventures that are just as meaningful and noteworthy as the truly exceptional and hopefully unfinished trip we took with Skyler. And I want to thank you all for coming on all these trips with me!

A love affair with cereal

A love affair with cereal

For America!

For America!

Why not

Why not

Birthday Blues

Tomorrow is Skyler's birthday. I can't believe this time last year we were playing Blazer Tag together and this year we are where we are... Not that his birthday was incident free or we were feeling good at all about things, but still I had no idea how it would all turn out. What a difference a year makes.