Things I will be filling my days with

Lately, I have been busy with family and Liam's birthday and everything so I rarely had a chance to be bored. Monday I went and sold some Unrepeatables to the fabulous Bond Boutique, and then we put up the tree. But I am having to focus on a plan for now. I have 2 paths ahead of me. Buckle down and spend at least 3 hours a day creating these trainings, then go out and do them, or get a job right now and jam out the trainings on my off days. If I go with plan A, I also plan on playing lots of disc gold, getting caught up on laundry, working on character development on my book, cleaning my room, steam cleaning the floors, and I think finding some good volunteer work to get involved with. If I go with plan B I can have money to spend. MONEY! I am really torn. Plan A could involve trying to expand Unrepeatables area as well. Where it is has been all but selling out, or at least selling well depending on the foot traffic of the shops and amount on inventory, but getting new places is tough. I guess I want someone to be like, hey you are awesome, come work for me for 5 hours a day for 15$ an hour doing something worthwhile and exceptional. I think everyone wants that, but I seem to have good results putting things into the universe. I have the red pants and a fridge full of beer, after all! If you are confused, you are clearly a new reader who doesn't also follow me on facebook. Additionally, if you have ideas of shops where Unrepeatables would be a must have, please let me know. If it's in another state or part of Texas I can still try via email and phone. Or if you happen to have the perfect job for me that is also temporary until January or February let me know about that too! Maybe I could be Mrs Claus at the mall!

Feeling weirdly nostalgic today

I guess last week being a lead up to a crazy holiday and family weekend kept me on vacation mode so I didn't really process that I am actually unemployed. It has really hit home today. I cleaned my house a bit, watched a lot of TV, took Liam to lunch, had him do some multiplication work, and sort of helicoptered around him mostly out of boredom. I am not cut out to be a stay at home parent, especially when I have 1 self sufficient 10 year old! I raised him as a working mom, there is literally nothing he needs me to do! I even pulled up all me former employees emails a couple hours ago to send out the schedule, then got all depressed. (Side note, the sliding glass door just broke and it's FREEZING outside. That might give me something to do.) I plan to get started on my training presentations tomorrow, as well and hopefully find a part time job to help with all this brokeness. Sorry, I am totally distracted right now between the broken door, my REALLY poorly behaved big dog, and the kids who are here! I will come back to this later. I guess I am busy after all! Hahahahahaha!

I am thankful for my education.

You might remember how I said I had been sleeping well. You might not either, that's ok. Well, I said it, then it stopped happening! As an exchange student we had once used to say, "Of course, my horse." But, it's not stress related, I am just not wearing myself out enough during the day. I should take up a hobby! No, not really! I did realize today that while I am currently working on a few cool things, as well as quasi thinking about getting a regular job for a bit too, I can cross a few things off my list of "jobs I would be willing to do." Office organizer is a big negatory! And kind of door to door help me get off crack by sending fake magazines to the troops, also a hells no. Any type of carpet of floor cleaner would be a disaster. Pet whisperer, also a no. CLEARLY, I am spending too much time at home with my weird and awesome pets, dirty floors, crazy office and annoying peddlers. Yes, I used the word peddler. Doesn't that bring you back to the days of James and the Giant Peach, or the Emperors New Clothes? And the poor folks wonder why we don't trust them! It's reasonable to decide on jobs you are willing to do by eliminating all the other ones, right? Quickest way between 2 points is going the other way for a while...I think I learned that. Oh, you know what I am really grateful for, on this the week of thanks? My education. And my parents for starting me out at a great middle school, which got the ball rolling. I am so grateful that I can categorize my thoughts and speak clearly and with a point (NO, not here!). Really. I am so grateful that I learned how to think critically, read large amounts of information and pick out key points, zone in and out of conversations and still have a basic idea what people are talking about. While I have been struggling this year because I don't feel like Liam's educational time is always wisely spent, I keep going back to how grateful I am that my parents found a school where I may not have agreed with their politics, but where I began my lifelong love of learning. I have been writing, besides the blog, since yesterday, and it really hit home that I am incredibly lucky in so many ways. I know you all are probably sick of hearing from Julie the eternal optimist, but damn. Education is like a little black dress. If you have a good one, it stands the test of time and with it you are always ready for anything. So parents, don't spare money or time or enthusiasm in your child's education. Don't let them stop at high school. It may not make them rich, or even pay for itself in financial terms, but the self esteem and world view that come with a good education are totally worth it.

The Week in Review

It's a short week for kids in school, and Brian finished working his 12 days straight and now has random days off during the week like a normal person. 12 days in a row was a lot, seemed like it went on forever. It's a testament to how much Brian loves his job that he was still having great days even on day 11. Day 12 was just a 3 hour meeting, so that was not too bad. Last night I slept 4 hours, the nap yesterday was a BAD idea! But it gave me time to think about the last week. I almost wrote at 3, and probably should have, but thought the typing might wake Brian up and I was too lazy to get out of bed. If you have ever taken one of those stress surveys you will notice that job loss or change ranks up there with death and divorce as most stressful life events. Moving is also up there, and I am going to say that emptying a 3 classroom, 2 bathroom, 2 office, 1 huge closet building in 1 hour counts as moving. So, 2 traumatic life events happened 1 week ago, no wonder my eye is still twitching. Thankfully it's just the left one now, the right stopped several days ago! I am so thankful that I am in my room today, writing this, not on the porch of my school having to to talk to people who also lost something, and were stressed and not ready for the change that was thrust upon them. It's tough when you have no say over the changes in your life, but that is reality. So often we are forced to change, to say goodbye, to adapt or perish, forced to admit that we are much less in control of our universe than we are comfortable with. A week ago today, I along with 5 teachers and 27 families, was laughed at, in the face, by planning and stability. I heard from Leslee that several parents said that things happen for a reason, and 1 family in particular was able to find care for her children for 1/3 the cost of ours. Alternatively, I am sure there are parents having a tough time finding care, but I know it's out there. I certainly take a wandering path to the point! It was 8 days ago last night I got the email with questionable English, and no question on the intent, 7 days ago when I stood on the porch and embarrassed myself, 6 days since I started clearing my home office, 5 days since I got my temporary trainers ID card, 4 days since I sold my Leap Learning System and was able to afford Liam's birthday, 3 days since I finally went through the hoarder stash in my garage, paid out my final payroll, mailed the last of the year ends and refunds, 2 days since every last scrap was sold, given away, or boxed up and put under the pool table, 1 day since I took a 3.5 hour nap rendering it impossible to sleep, and now today is a brand new day, in a brand new week, where I have no limits to what I can accomplish. It's been quite a week, and thank goodness it is OVER! Tomorrow Brian and I are going with Liam on a field trip where we once again get the Rah Rah Texas propaganda I drink up like soup! And then, family starts arriving to town. I guess today will be the day I actually tell my mom about the school closing. Oops.

A life of napping, why not?

It is Sunday before Thanksgiving! I have planned out my whole week, forgot that I was chaperoning a field trip on Tuesday, so I even re planned my whole week. You know what that plan did not hold? The cat peeing in my office, making it smelly, then me falling asleep while Lammy and Brian played Zelda, and ending up taking a 3 hour nap! My Sunday can probably beat all your Sunday's up! 4:39 and I still haven't showered or even brushed my teeth. Don't tell the dentist! I am at the point, where I am looking around my SUPER messy office, and I kind of just want to walk out of it and seal the door. Go all Tell Tale Heart with these files! (I can still hear the shredder calling out to me, "identity theft, trash bags full of 4 years of bills. shred shred, shred shred, shred shred.") I think I will start with finding a stud and hanging my paintings and diplomas. Believe it or not, I haven't even cancelled all the bills yet. Turns out the water company and trash service are not open on Sunday. Crazy, right? Maybe I will get a job there! So, besides napping what have I done today? I started my application, filled out which 14 counties I will work in, so if you live in Travis, Hays, Bastrop, Lee, Williamson, Burnet, Blanco, Ector, Midland, Glasscock (heehee), Cameron, Caldwell, Smith or Comal, you just might be seeing me from time to time! I know you are excited about the prospect of me sleeping in your guest room/couch/bed. ;) That's really it though. I am definitely starting to wind the pace down quite a bit. I have a TON to do before I am official, and if anyone reading this happens to own a child development center and would like a free training in exchange for a letter or recommendation, or for me getting the hours I need, please hit me up! I have 4 major criteria I need to prepare for, but beyond that I can also help with consulting you if you need advice on being sure your school or home is safe and will pass inspection. As for the rest of my day, showering, fixing my hair, and brushing my teeth are high on the list. Say no to BO, only you can do that for the world! To be a super power, you must take a shower. Think that will catch on?

Does it count as day 5 of unemployment if it's the weekend?

Today we had a final everything must go garage sale, and everything went. It was crazy! Now, after 4 1/2 years I have some signs that will become the coolest recycled bar ever, and like 200$ left from all the sales. Weird, right? Basically, with one epic week of craigslist there is nothing left. But, I am a vain and happy person because I have pretty hair, which I paid for with my garage sale money, and I feel pretty good. I decided that tomorrow is going to be a do nothing day, if I can manage it, so we will see how that goes. And Monday will be a day to clean, finish filing and sorting my office, get closets cleared out and my house back to normal. Tuesday I will restart the training registry, but today I got some clients who will let me "practice" on them in exchange for the letters of recommendation I need, so that is AWESOME. I had kind of a weird moment when I was in the car today, and I thought this would be a good place to sort through it. My 180 therapists, you ready? So, in my life, I have always gone to bed when I am upset, depressed, scared, tired, lonely, whatever. I lay in bed, but not really sleeping well, sometimes for days until I gather the clarity or strength or bravery or whatever I need. Also, I love my room, seriously LOVE it. I go there to watch TV to relax, to avoid cleaning, or not deal with the dogs for a bit, I just freakin love it. It's lime green, pink, yellow and white. It's the best thing ever. So, depressed, room, tired, room, want to watch TV, room. Every bit of bad news I have received in my life I am in my room, until I can be fresh faced and awesome again. Got it? Room=pacifier or thumb. BUT, here is the weird part I can't wrap my head around. Since Sunday, I have been in my room only to sleep. AND, I have slept. Every night, for at least 6 hours. Sometimes 10. In the morning I wake up, and I leave my room. All day I am busy and not in my room. Even when I had Miss Julie's I would dread leaving my room. So, here is the question, oh blogapists, am I not dealing with things? Is my hair red and sassy and my brain and body busy because I am avoiding the thud? Or am I not in my bed because I don't need to be? Only time will tell, but in the meantime, I have never had such a busy week!

"Unemployment" day 4

I hate people who tell you about the dream they had last night. Nobody cares and you are boring me. So, that being said, last night I had a dream that we were able to keep the school open one more week. Jen was happily decorating her room, Leslee was cleaning, the parents all came back for the week, and I was panicking! I kept saying, "I already refunded your tuition. How will I pay the teachers?" And the teachers were all,"that's not our problem." Meanwhile, I didn't even know we were open, I went to pick up my signs and they were business as usual. Turns out that being open was more of a nightmare than abruptly closing ever was! I think it's a good sign that I am having nightmares that we are not actually closed! I feel like documenting my last couple of days will not be as impressive as the first 2, but to be true to the "process" I will do it anyway. Yesterday I calculated all the year end tuition reports for parents for their taxes, washed all the blankets and pillows for the garage sale, and sold the playhouse. I promise that while that sounds like very little I worked non stop from 10-5:30 except when I took Liam to the dentist. Today I have addressed and mailed all the envelopes for parents due refunds, started organizing the garage, and that is all. Still on the agenda today is filling out the application for the trainer registry, and going to watch my niece Kayla do a monologue. Also, Brian is handing out final paychecks and picking up the signs. (Here's hoping that when he arrives it is not business as usual, I will freak.) So there is all the dry stuff. Emotionally, I am better every day. I am for sure embarrassed and stressed, and I really need to get started with filing for bankruptcy and telling the IRS and everyone that we are closed for good. Tax/government stuff has been my achilles heel since day 1. I am good with everything else, but timelines and taxes and forms are not my comfort zone. Also, I have gained 5 pounds in 4 days, so I have to fix that problem ASAP! Otherwise, I am doing OK. I went out last night and had a few beers and didn't get at all nostalgic or emotional, so I am putting that in the win column! Now if only I could fast forward to the IRS issues being resolved, everyone being paid and all the appropriate forms being filed, I would be psyched! One day and one major project at a time.

Now both my eyes are twitching!

My friend said that it might be interesting to chronicle the experience from the school closing through regaining balance and a new job. I have had a couple very busy days, and today I am ready, I guess, to talk about it. I am waiting for Brian to get home to help me set up my new printer/copier/fax because the one I have had for 4 years at MJLC broke several months ago and I could never afford a new one in between trying to stay open, pay teachers, buy snacks, keep the lights on, replace CD players, you name it. For 4 1/2 years what the business needed just to function took priority over what I needed to make my job doable or my life easier. My husband let me use our mortgage money for rent in October, he had faith I could pay it back. I did, but we see what the result was. Still, my home is more important. Sorry, but it is. Today, I am waiting for the new printer to be set up because I lack the mental strength to do one more thing, and just want it done for me. While I am waiting I should be rotting my brain on the 14 hours of TV I have saved since Sunday night, but I can't bring myself to focus on anything. I tried thinking about the kids, how much I will miss walking in the door and hearing them all run to the gate and say "Miss Julie" but I could elicit no emotion from myself. I am not heartless, I will miss them. I can't process that I will never walk through the door again and curse my broken printer, laugh at a story of a teacher misspelling something, or roll my eyes because we are once again "out of wipeys" and I am trying to figure out how to keep the water on. It's such a mixed bag of emotions that I think they are all just blocked. It's like the how in light white is what happens when you mix all colors. But that could be a good thing. White is a blank canvas, it's a clean slate. Of course, I don't have that either. I have 4 1/2 of tax debt, credit card debt, the last 300$ of utilities to pay now that they are being turned off. Still, I can climb out of that too. At least I don't have the "will she have changed the locks?" "Will the lights be on?" stress. I turned the ringer off the last 2 nights because no matter what, me waking up early can not solve anything this time. Or maybe I should just tell you what I have done with this my 2nd day of "unemployment." Not that I collecting unemployment, I never had a paycheck in 4 1/2 years, so there is nothing to be gained there! Today I found out what I need to do to become a certified trainer on the registry in Texas, and I chose the counties I will become certified to train in! I picked some out near Odessa too, because I love to drive and travel and I would be psyched to work near Nikki. So, I found what I need to do, and didn't stop there. I chose the counties, got my temporary ID card, completed the orientation training, bought a new printer to print out my first certificate of many, turned off my phone, closed my website (thanks, Chris) went to the bank, and grocery shopped. Not too bad for the 2nd day off of many! I guess that while Miss Julie's has ended I have hope and goals, and that I appreciate the saying down but not out. The sweet faces and happy smiles of the babies and children did not balance out the pit in my stomach, the panic attacks, the dread every time any phone rang. I have answered my phone today to unfamiliar numbers, and each time it has been OK. I will be OK too.

A life of ...

A life of what? Some people said today it was new beginnings. To me it felt very much like an ending. Or like a comma. Not quite the end, but definitely a pause. A life of friends, a life of family. A life of love. I live a life of love, that I am not quite sure I deserve. Today I had the worst day I can remember having, but the crazy thing is, it turned into a great day. Sure it was sad, I experienced some loss, as did Leslee, Jen, Ann, Matt, and Stacey, not to mention 27 children and their parents, but I understood something cosmic today. I was breaking, my heart, my soul, my ego, just about to collapse and my friends and my family unquestioningly rallied by my side. Stood next to me, called me, texted me, labored with me, and just loved me. I don't have the words. I am the luckiest person in the world. I want to work my whole life to make sure that everyone in my life is supported, loved, cherished. You know what is funny though, I went back on facebook after a little hiatus, and unfriended like 100 people because who cares? My life is not measured through having a ton of "friends". It's not like I don't like them, or have any emotion one way or another, but we are gifted certain relationships in our life, and those are the ones I want to spend energy on. My husband, my sister, my best friends, people I love and who love me; they should take up my time. I feel like this is coming out wrong. It's not about this. It's not about facebook. It's about life. Making a difference, helping people, loving people. I don't deserve this. Some really tough things happened today. Some people were not very nice at all, and at first it seemed tragic, like I wanted to cry and puke all the same time. Then, a miracle happened, and all this love just poured out all over me, all day, and all that bad stuff was totally meaningless. Name calling, mean spiritedness, some sleaziness, it didn't effect me at all. I was in this bubble of support, and nothing bad touched me. I don't think I will repay anyone for what they did for me today, but I will work even harder to spread love and hope. I know this sounds ridiculous, I totally get that everyone who is not me today will be like, "what the hell is Julie smoking?". But my life changed today, for real. And I hope forever. Thank you, thank you, thank you, parents of the school, my family, my friends, almost total strangers, thank you for your humanity. A million billion times, thank you!

Gloomy Grief G's

:( Wingo, South Lamar. I loved you! You will be missed! 8/2/11-11/1/11. Your kind words are appreciated on this most difficult day!

G is for Garage

Around 6 months ago we let our garage get taken over by the dark side. It was slowly starting to fill with clutter, garage sale items, pool things, junk we would drop in there on the way into the house, toys, shoes, you name it, it got stuck in our once awesome garage. Not coincidentally, around 6 months ago we started being less social and more TV and indoor oriented. Then, we let our friend move her stuff into the garage and it seemed like the glory days were over. Then, a birthday wish happened. Brian said that all he wanted for his birthday was a garage party, and it was like a light switched on and we got working! Within less than 1 full day the wreck of our garage was transformed, and call me a romantic, but I think it is even better than it was before. You might be wondering why I felt a clean garage was blog worthy. It totally is. For me, and I now realize, for Brian, our garage is not a place for storing crap, it's a place for storing memories, and creating new ones. It's our neighborhood bar, or our favorite sports team, our favorite group vacation. The Garage is magical because for 6 years it has been the place where friends visit from out of town, where birthday's are celebrated, where limo's pick up. It has had it's own my-space page, it's THAT old! It has hosted Christmas parties, haunted houses, rang in many a new year, has ushered in new friends, said goodbye to some old ones. The Garage is like your favorite socks, mixed with your favorite song, and topped with that pair of jeans that gives you a good butt! I am so glad it has been restored to it's awesome self and look forward to many more years of memories, even fuzzy or holey ones! Long live the Garage.