the 4th and what it means to me

It's true. Every year I wrestle with the 4th of July. The 4th used to be my holiday, among many others. You who know me, know I love an occasion to gather loved ones and celebrate. But the 4th more so than others. The 4th was MY holiday. It was in the swing of my favorite season, right before Amy's birthday, a bit before my birthday. The weather was hot, the plastic pools in demand, the margaritas flowing, I loved the 4th. For none of the patriotic reasons, I just loved it. I loved the scorching Texas heat, I loved the long weekend from work, the friends who always came to our house. I loved it. Like Thanksgiving, I looked forward to it every year. After Mary died during 4th of July weekend, that all changed, and we downplayed it. Then, since it is a national holiday, politics took over too, and now, for so many reasons I kind of hate it. I wish every year I could blink and have it be July 5th and no one would have their feelings hurt that we didn't make the 5 hour trip to be with family and try to forget about what used to the Gatsby of my holiday's. I wish that I didn't get annoyed that one party thinks they have the market cornered on patriotism, and one feels like they have to either be aloof or be defensive. For me, the 4th may as well just go on by. I love living here, I am not saying that America is less deserving of a day, I am just saying, I am less inclined to celebrate it. If I am happy, I am guilty, if I am patriotic I am annoyed, if I am in Austin, I should be in Odessa. For the rest of you, happy America, happy happy happy summer, it's my jam and I love it, and I want you to love it too. But for me, I look forward to vacation in a few days, and would be OK if today could just be a blip on the radar. Maybe not the best little blog back after a year, but it's what I was feeling today. Love and peace to you all, no matter where you may find yourselves emotionally, politically or patriotically. The cool thing about America is that she loves you anyway, as do I.