A lesson I am learning all the time!

I complain! A LOT! And I can be full of judgement. VERY! So, when occasions happen that leave me learning a lesson, I feel the need to share and apologize. I am trying to hear the words coming out of my mouth a little more clearly before I actually speak them! "About time" some may say, "Why now?" some may rightfully ask. Last Friday there was an officer involved shooting here in Austin, and the officer in question has been labeled a murderer by the conspiracy folks, the over active activists, and probably by many well meaning folks like much like you or me. And it's OK to be well meaning, in fact, that should actually prevent any such judgement from happening, because, if we are being honest with ourselves, passing judgement over strangers is not actually very well meaning at all. In fact, I think many, let's just call them, folks, claim well meaning much like southerner's claim they want your heart blessed. We mean that well, we think we know stuff and we want you to agree, or maybe we think your tea is not sweet enough. The thing is, the officer involved has a family. And now his children are hearing and reading that their dad is a murderer. And these people saying this about their dad, have no idea what the truth is. But that doesn't stop them from screaming it out. Words have meaning. I know I have said that before!!! They do, and murderer, that's a no takesey backsey word if ever there was one. I am not saying it's devastating that a man was killed, I would rather no one had guns or ever got shot, or raped, or mugged, or caught a cold. But, that's not the point! The point isn't even that Detective Trey is a good person, with a hugely generous spirit. It's that we don't know the details of what was probably a devastating moment in his life as well. And we don't know the details of a lot of devastating moments in a lot of lives. So before we call someone a murderer, or a bitch, or a junkie, or a bad dresser, we should stop and think what it would mean to our children if they heard someone talk about us that way. I will forget this lesson over and over again, and I will be more angry with myself each time I remember it again; words have meaning, chose yours carefully! Also, I have no idea what a semi colon is for.

the 4th and what it means to me

It's true. Every year I wrestle with the 4th of July. The 4th used to be my holiday, among many others. You who know me, know I love an occasion to gather loved ones and celebrate. But the 4th more so than others. The 4th was MY holiday. It was in the swing of my favorite season, right before Amy's birthday, a bit before my birthday. The weather was hot, the plastic pools in demand, the margaritas flowing, I loved the 4th. For none of the patriotic reasons, I just loved it. I loved the scorching Texas heat, I loved the long weekend from work, the friends who always came to our house. I loved it. Like Thanksgiving, I looked forward to it every year. After Mary died during 4th of July weekend, that all changed, and we downplayed it. Then, since it is a national holiday, politics took over too, and now, for so many reasons I kind of hate it. I wish every year I could blink and have it be July 5th and no one would have their feelings hurt that we didn't make the 5 hour trip to be with family and try to forget about what used to the Gatsby of my holiday's. I wish that I didn't get annoyed that one party thinks they have the market cornered on patriotism, and one feels like they have to either be aloof or be defensive. For me, the 4th may as well just go on by. I love living here, I am not saying that America is less deserving of a day, I am just saying, I am less inclined to celebrate it. If I am happy, I am guilty, if I am patriotic I am annoyed, if I am in Austin, I should be in Odessa. For the rest of you, happy America, happy happy happy summer, it's my jam and I love it, and I want you to love it too. But for me, I look forward to vacation in a few days, and would be OK if today could just be a blip on the radar. Maybe not the best little blog back after a year, but it's what I was feeling today. Love and peace to you all, no matter where you may find yourselves emotionally, politically or patriotically. The cool thing about America is that she loves you anyway, as do I.

An idea that I have

A lot of people that I know have kits in their cars that include water bottles, dog food, cereal bars, things like that for the ever growing homeless population in Austin. And maybe an organization already exists like this, but I had an idea to create a non profit organization that worked on a simple level but could perhaps become bigger if resources allowed. It would brand a bag that had it's name and information on it that could be reused or recycled, and the bag could contain different things depending on who the recipient is or what part of town they were currently residing in. There could be one for the regular homeless population with a bottle of water, a banana, a cereal bar, some nuts, information about that part of towns service programs, maybe a blanket in the winter or a pair of socks, etc. For pregnant women extra information about free prenatal services in that part of town, a couple pre natal vitamins, and food with extra folic acid. For people with dogs, extra water, dog food and a frisbee or something to use as a dish and a toy. It would only include information about places within a few miles of where that particular homeless grouping is, since they may not travel very far, and the places would be researched to ensure they had the resources and were indeed open. It would not be hugely expensive, and the people getting the kits to give out would not have to do anything extra, just hand them through their car window on their way to work. It would probably not create lasting change, but could certainly alleviate immediate need, and maybe give a few people some options. Plus, everything going into a bag may help with littering...but maybe not. Anyway, it's just an idea that I had, and I am interested in hearing people's thoughts on the matter!

A good rule of thumb/ A dieting secret

Over the past couple/few years I have lost just over 40 pounds. I know, it's taken a looooong time and instant gratification is way better, but it's still gone, and it used to be there, so that's pretty good. Lately people have either started noticing or I have been telling more people, but everyone asks how I have been doing it. I think people are expecting some crazy thing, like I work out 3 hours a day, I don't eat carbs, and I sacrifice a goat weekly to the Olsen Jolie gods. But no, really, the way I have been doing it is by asking myself one very simple question. Every time I want to eat something I think, has anyone ever said "I would be so thin if it weren't for ______" and insert the food I am about to eat. Or similarly, has anyone ever said "I used to be thin but eating _________ made me fat." If what I am about to eat fits in the blank, I don't eat it, or I only eat a bite/handful/spoonful of it. No one has ever said "I would be thin, except I eat a big ole bowl of steamed veggies EVERY night." Or. "Man, if it weren't for that extra glass of water, I would be a size 6." See, if you ask yourself that every time you eat, you may not decide against eating whatever it is at that time, but you will have made yourself actively aware that you are eating some crap that is going to make your scale inch in the wrong direction. Pretty simple! If you think eating a bowl of cheerios for breakfast has ever been someone's downfall, or that eating an apple was what brought on the new pant size, then you are clearly not paying attention and asking yourself that question every time you eat something. The other day I got a PB cookie from work, asked the question, answered with a HELL YES, so I bought a banana too and skipped eating the soup and 1/2 sandwich for lunch. So, it's not like I don't eat awesome delicious crap from time to time, but when I ask that question it makes me think and balance things better. So, there you go, in case you want to lose weight and are not looking for a quick fix, that has been working for me, maybe it will work for you too!

The feeling of feelings

I feel like we all go through our days and lives pretty complacently, then something comes along and rocks us for a bit, changes us, makes us consider things we haven't previously considered. Then, slowly over time, it happens again. I wonder if it's the same human response that doesn't allow you to remember exactly how physical pain feels. You can remember something hurt (like a tattoo), but not how it hurt (like having a baby) so over time the memory becomes less meaningful and you will do it again (maybe like walking over hot coals?). Maybe that's the same with death. For a while, months, weeks, years even, it is fresh, you are dumbfounded, there is no dealing with the absolute, you can't prepare for it, I personally can not wrap my head around it. But time passes, life regains balance, (although a little wonkier) and you move on. Or just keep swimming at least. And then, you are sad, but you remember things about the person that make you laugh, and you remember that it hurt, but you don't remember exactly how it hurt, and you live on and make friends, have relationships, let yourself love, even though the hurt can come again. I think if we always remembered how much it hurt we would never love anyone or anything again, because it wouldn't be worth it. It's funny (not really) but I wanted to tell a silly story in this blog, but here we are. So, graceless segway... Where I work we have this nifty system where you can call and reserve a book, or reserve it online and we have it waiting for you at the register. Apparently, some class had a book on it's reading requirement that we had a couple of copies of today. So, 2 people with very similar names requested the same book. Who ever took the order only tagged one of them to come up to the register. The first person came, picked up his book and left. The second person came, said "Um, I reserved a book, do I pick it up here?" To which I said, "You sure do! What's your name?" So he told me, and GASP, no book. So, I asked him to spell his name, thinking my hearing was off. He spelled it, and GASP AGAIN, no book. So, I asked him for his phone number. Pulled up the order and saw that it said someone brought the book up, but did not. "Not to worry (I thought internally, but perhaps should have vocalized) we have more upstairs in Psych." At the moment when I was going to tell him I would grab it and be right back, this young man says, "I can't believe you don't have my book waiting here, this is a tragedy." A TRAGEDY. To which I responded, unprofessionally, but COME ON, "No, sir, this is a minor inconvenience over a book, it is certainly not a tragedy, wait here and I will get your book from the shelf." He looked appropriately chagrinned, but it stayed with me and made me think about my own phrasing. "Tragedy, kill myself, I would rather die, kill me now, despair, hopeless". Strike them from your vocabulary unless you are serious, so we can know that it's time to help you. And I will strive to do the same! Words have definitions, they mean something. Not having a book, even if it led to failing a test/class/college, is not a tragedy. You can bounce back from anything as long as you stay alive! The pain fades, it's science. Rest easy, Jessica.

My kid is getting OLD

Today has had it's ups and downs FOR SURE! I woke up and within 5 minutes I knocked my phone off the bathroom counter and even though it landed on it's back the glass totally shattered! Gorilla glass my gorilla ass. After that devastating turn of events I went to work where I spend an hour doing a riveting training program about workplace harassment. Super fun. I also trained a newish cashier for an hour, which was actually fun, not sarcastic fun, I like that part of my job almost the most. Go figure, since I was going to become a consultant/trainer before working at BN. AND, I cleaned the accounting office and made it more my own and organized. I am sure the other folks who use it will be confused for a day or 2, but they will live! I like it way more this way, and really, that is the most important thing. But, onto why you are reading this, LIAM!!!! As you will remember from 45 seconds ago, my phone screen broke into a zillion shards and spiderwebs this morning. Good old Apple requires appointments to do anything, and those appointments are done, you guessed it, on line. Well, my means of onlinedness were hampered, but the phone still worked, so I called Liam for help. Turns out I called the right person because he googled genius bar, found the Barton Creek location, and made me an online appointment! Just like a grown up growny pants. After that I picked him up so he could take a trip to the mall with me, and he asked if we could buy him a wallet. Gasp! A wallet, for his money, and his discount cards, and all his other, I am not a baby things. A wallet so he can go out with his friends or cousins and pay for things. A wallet just like I have, or you probably have! We struck out at the mall and went to Game Over Videogames to find one. In the parking lot there I went to get his hand becuase a car was coming, but he pulled his not so little hand away. He didn't say anything, ut it was clear he was too big. Too big to hold my hand, big enough to have things to put in a wallet and make genius reservations for me while home ALONE (with an adult next door who happens to be his uncle and 2 dogs in the room with him, but still.) When did this happen? It was a big day for me! I am not sure Liam understood the bigness, but one day maybe he will have his own little guy turn big overnight. My own mom never got over the "I'm too big to hold your hand" day and forced it, well, to this very day. But I am as OK with it as I can be. He's growing up. It's why we have kids, right? So one day they will go into the world, armed with wallets and the ability to make reservations to fix things. It's just startling when it happens all in one day!

Been a while!!!

Hello! It's been a like a month, I can't believe it! On the upside, I lost 15 pounds during my hiatus. I will take an after (or partially after, still a long way to go) photo in the same white dress when I get motivated to go back upstairs! Besides eating healthy, except for the past few days, I have been working like a crazy person. I never fully appreciated how much all my friends work until I started this crazy 40+ hour a week thing! Once you add drive time it's 50+ hours a week, and then 45 hours for sleeping, leaves you around 70 hours a week to shower, clean, eat, relax, and see your friends and family. I wish I and all my friends were crazy fun multi millionaires! My house has a suspicious smell in it today. Kind of like old food. Which is weird because I took a week off the diet and have not cooked much at all. I should investigate, but I am afraid. Very afraid. So, I am sure you all are aware of all my business and financial woes, but I am not 100% sure where I left off with everything. I met with a lawyer in the past month and we discussed all my options, then I left and Brian and I were a little overwhelmed and downhearted thinking things were getting much worse before they got any better. Lawyers, am I right? Anyway, after a couple nights sleep, and a few phone calls to other people/government agencies/etc, we realized that we can do it ourselves. And even better than that, with projections based on where we are right now, we can be completely out of all debt, except for our home mortgage in 5-6 years. ALL OF IT! Which means, that when Liam is ready for college, all the money we are making except for what we need for bills and the house, will be free to help him, or help us retire, or buy a boat, WHATEVER. AND, we are already putting the plan in action! We have yet to get final approval from the IRS, but I am optimistic they will support the plan, since it involves giving them lots of money. And besides the IRS I have paid off a few bills completely this month, and made large dents in others! Take that people who think democrats want the world to hand them money and solve their problems for them. We decided against bankruptcy in favor of responsibly paying back every penny we owe people as quickly as possible, and we STILL support our left leaning compadres. Boom, Smug self satisfaction say what? WHAT!!!! Happy Sunday! I am off to grocery shop, then work! Every paycheck brings me closer to the dream that one day we will have no credit cards, no IRS debt, and no car payment or student loans. :) In fact, I think we are about 1 month away from 1 credit card being completely paid off and closed! 1 almost down, 4 to go. :) The original Picture:

And the new picture: