Now both my eyes are twitching!

My friend said that it might be interesting to chronicle the experience from the school closing through regaining balance and a new job. I have had a couple very busy days, and today I am ready, I guess, to talk about it. I am waiting for Brian to get home to help me set up my new printer/copier/fax because the one I have had for 4 years at MJLC broke several months ago and I could never afford a new one in between trying to stay open, pay teachers, buy snacks, keep the lights on, replace CD players, you name it. For 4 1/2 years what the business needed just to function took priority over what I needed to make my job doable or my life easier. My husband let me use our mortgage money for rent in October, he had faith I could pay it back. I did, but we see what the result was. Still, my home is more important. Sorry, but it is. Today, I am waiting for the new printer to be set up because I lack the mental strength to do one more thing, and just want it done for me. While I am waiting I should be rotting my brain on the 14 hours of TV I have saved since Sunday night, but I can't bring myself to focus on anything. I tried thinking about the kids, how much I will miss walking in the door and hearing them all run to the gate and say "Miss Julie" but I could elicit no emotion from myself. I am not heartless, I will miss them. I can't process that I will never walk through the door again and curse my broken printer, laugh at a story of a teacher misspelling something, or roll my eyes because we are once again "out of wipeys" and I am trying to figure out how to keep the water on. It's such a mixed bag of emotions that I think they are all just blocked. It's like the how in light white is what happens when you mix all colors. But that could be a good thing. White is a blank canvas, it's a clean slate. Of course, I don't have that either. I have 4 1/2 of tax debt, credit card debt, the last 300$ of utilities to pay now that they are being turned off. Still, I can climb out of that too. At least I don't have the "will she have changed the locks?" "Will the lights be on?" stress. I turned the ringer off the last 2 nights because no matter what, me waking up early can not solve anything this time. Or maybe I should just tell you what I have done with this my 2nd day of "unemployment." Not that I collecting unemployment, I never had a paycheck in 4 1/2 years, so there is nothing to be gained there! Today I found out what I need to do to become a certified trainer on the registry in Texas, and I chose the counties I will become certified to train in! I picked some out near Odessa too, because I love to drive and travel and I would be psyched to work near Nikki. So, I found what I need to do, and didn't stop there. I chose the counties, got my temporary ID card, completed the orientation training, bought a new printer to print out my first certificate of many, turned off my phone, closed my website (thanks, Chris) went to the bank, and grocery shopped. Not too bad for the 2nd day off of many! I guess that while Miss Julie's has ended I have hope and goals, and that I appreciate the saying down but not out. The sweet faces and happy smiles of the babies and children did not balance out the pit in my stomach, the panic attacks, the dread every time any phone rang. I have answered my phone today to unfamiliar numbers, and each time it has been OK. I will be OK too.