I will need lots of sun and fun for spring break so the guilt doesn't totally weigh me down. It looks as if Skyler may have chosen not to live with us after all. His caseworker indicated such to us yesterday evening after the home visit. I feel that we expected him to try to improve, to look at himself, to make positive choices, and we stayed strong. It seems that it was too hard for him, and he knows in foster care and RTC he won't have to try so hard or work so tirelessly to become a better man, and that is what he wants. I am disappointed I won't get to show him the world, or even anything outside of Austin, and maybe between now and next Thursday he will wake up to the realization that it may not be easy here, but it is safe and we are so willing to help him. But, I don't think so. I think he premeditated exactly what he was going to say to his caseworker yesterday, and he knew what it would do to his place in this home and to his future. So, it appears that he may be leaving us after all. And possibly even before next Thursday. We will know more as the days unfold. It's Friday, so I think it's safe to say nothing will be resolved until at least Monday, but I am not certain of anything. I know that there is a lot of heaviness around here, and that whatever happens I will be sad. I also know that we didn't know what we were getting with Sky, and that the past 5 months have been the hardest of my life, and I would bet they will be the hardest of the next 30 years as well. Until he is actually gone, I suppose anything could happen, but after yesterday I am not so sure I want anything else. I am weary, sad and feel like I have been in someone else's body for a while. I am ready to come back to myself and my life, and not have to be so guarded and so careful all the time. For those of you considering adoption out there, really be sure you have all the facts before you meet the child. Just because his file says he has a basic level of care, that may not be the case. The sucky part is that I knew it would be hard, and I was ready for the fight of my life, but with CPS you can't fight fair. There is always a 3rd party there for Skyler to abuse and manipulate into giving him the upper hand. I think CPS workers are given an impossible job, and should be required to have a masters degree in child psychology before they are given so much responsibility over a child's life. I wish that this were not the end of the road for us, but Brian will not go through it again with Liam, and he won't adopt a baby, so it looks like the Connally's may be a trio from here on out. Sorry to drag you all through the past 2 weeks with me, but I think having people out there interested and caring has helped me tremendously in sorting though my thoughts.
Anyway, I will let you know as things happen or if anything changes. Part of me feels like a failure, and part just feels like a mom who let her kid down. But, I am a mom who can't let Liam down, and Skyler has thrown down the gauntlet and I will not lose Liam while I try to save Skyler.
Have a great Friday! If you are in town, Rachel's Prince theme birthday party should be fabulous!
An email I sent to his caseworker. Basically, I feel that the system has screwed his life, and decided to let them in on it.
ReplyDelete"I am sure this is obvious to all of you, but it just dawned on me, after to speaking to the school counselor. Skyler has a cycle of leaving homes after a certain number of months, generally through removal. So, he is stuck, mentally, in the honeymoon period, because he has continued to be allowed to leave when the real work is supposed to start. It's fun the first couple months, you get presents, you meet new people, rules are not firmly established, so you there is a lot more flexibility. After the first few months are up, the real work starts, but it is still spotted with presents and new people. But after several months, you know what is expected, you have to work every day on becoming a better person, and you can look longingly at the first few months every where you have ever been. So, you continue the cycle and get removed again and don't ever have to grow or to succeed. I feel like that is where we are now. Because of confidentiality I can't tell you what all was discussed with the counselor, but he realized how many of his behaviors were big ones that needed fixing, and decided then and there, it was not worth it. So, now, I want to make it a group problem. What should we do now? If he leaves again he has reinforced that idea that he gets to have another fun 4 months getting to know other people before he can push them aside and start again somewhere else. If he just waits here till he is settled and things are routine, he can have a whole enriching life. But he would rather not put in the hours.
Julie"
On the other hand, I don't really care! I would just as soon have him go, but I feel like CPS should know it's there fault, and they have probably wrongly accused 7 families of abuse.
After a little more thought, I added this PS. Makes it clearer without making us too committed to the outcome!
ReplyDeleteAlso, having him here knowing that he doesn't want to put in the work, makes everything we do meaningless, and while I am making this a group problem, because we are not the ones who created this cycle with him, I haven't decided that we are the people who should break the cycle. I am not sure if our family, particularly Liam, is strong enough, or well enough equipped for someone who is obviously so far beyond a basic level of care.
Just thinking out loud, so there will be no surprises after the psych eval on Thursday.
Julie
Julie I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. The boy has no idea, sadly, what he's missing out on. He's not accepting the care and the love all 3 of you are giving and whether he's chosen not to or just doesn't know how to is up for debate but of all the families out there willing to adopt him you guys are tops. Whatever happens you guys will come out stronger for it.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that this roller coaster is coming to this end. How exhausting for all of you! What you wrote to CPS is absolutely insightful true, and they are doing every child a great disservice by not realizing those facts. Good luck in all this, Julie. I'm thinking about you!
ReplyDelete