A life without doors.

 So we had a great learning moment this weekend.  Liam didn't want Skyler in his room while he was playing, so Skyler's feelings were understandably hurt and he came down to talk to me about it, which was HUGE (he never comes down to have actual conversations where he wants to hear what I have to say.). We talked about why Liam might not be comfortable having Skyler in his room with him, and I talked to him about how in Liam's whole life he has never seen someone kick anything but a soccer ball, break anything on purpose, has rarely heard yelling, and thought the whole reason for doors was just so the pets didn't get into our beds.  We talked a lot about trust, and how Liam had given it to him without thinking about it, but that when Skyler broke down his own door, and tried to break Liam's as well, that broke that trust.  And it's not Liam's fault. I said that I knew he would not have hurt Liam, and he never would, but for a smaller child used to a very peaceful life, he was now scared of Skyler, and it would be Skyler's job, not Liam's to show him that he is a sweet gentle big brother.  I asked him how he would feel if someone bigger than him kicked in his door, or got up in face and yelled for a long time.  I asked what he might think if he was in his bed and someone was trying to break into his room, and especially if he knew the person trying to get in was really angry and unreasonable.  So, Skyler said he would be scared but that he was really mad that Liam thought he would hurt him.  I asked him if he would think someone mad trying to break a door would just come in to say hi or play, and he said no.  It really affected Skyler and he actually thought about it.  Later he asked if in my life I had ever seen someone kick in a door or put a hole in a wall, and I said no and that neither had Brian.  He realized, I think for the first time, that actually most people don't live that way.  The rest of the day he spoke with a quieter voice, and when Liam asked him if he wanted to play with him, but in the family room where there are no doors, he said "yes, thank you for asking me." Like he really was starting to get it.  So, he knows now that we think it's Ok if Liam does not want to play with Skyler, or go places with him.  And Skyler will continue to get angry about it, but at least it is out in the open that he has at least been told that it can take a life time to build a trust, and only a moment to break it.  I think the biggest thing he got out of the whole thing is just seeing that how he was raised, up until 4 and a 1/2 months ago is not the norm.  I have a feeling that a lot more anger will come from that realization, I know I would be angry if I knew that things didn't have to be so terrible and so hard for me.  But I also think that maybe now he is finally starting to believe we are what we seem, and we are just trying to keep everyone here safe and happy and get back to a peaceful home life.  Of course, there were a million things that happened after that where I said "why me?" a thousand time, or really, "Why us?"   But at least some positives do keep emerging.  I recently discovered that I have a real talent for talking to Skyler, and I have a feeling the talent would work for other troubled kids too.  I know that 99% of it gets in there for the moment and leaves almost immediately, but still, he has heard it, and even though things seem to be getting crazier I have a real feeling it's because we are about to come out on the other side for a little while.  I said things this weekend and he listened.  I told him to do things, and he did them.  I found that asking and giving reasons just creates unnecessary room for arguing, so I stated what I wanted done, then I left the room, and he did it.  I didn't threaten what would happen if he didn't do it, just said Do it.  When he said he didn't want to, I said, "that's OK, do it anyway, I don't mind that you don't want to.  It will look the same whether you are happy about it or not."  Then, I would walk away.  The walking away is the empowering part, and it totally works!  Whatever it is that he is going to do to show he is unhappy loses steam when there is no one there to watch it! 

Happy Monday, and don't forget to say no to someone this week!  Also, if you have toddlers, I think the walking away thing might work with their temper tantrums too, the mentality is very similar.  My friend Sara is going to loan me a book, and the 2 others I ordered should be coming in this week too, so be on the lookout for reviews and any insight I may glean from them!