The first 4 months. Or 31 years and 4 months...

Hello everyone.  Or more probably no one!  Almost 2 years ago my family started on this journey, and we had no idea what was in store.  We still don't.  Before I get caught up in today, let me say how we came to be here.  9 years ago Brian and I found out that I was pregnant.  We knew it was going to be a boy, we named him immediately, and it was the easiest, sweetest and most natural thing in the world, once he was born.  Pregnancy was awful, and I was told if I chose to do it again it would be more awful.  That was fine by me.  We decided rather than risk it, we would not have any more biological children.  In fact, at the time, we were just going to have Liam and be happy with that.  But, Brian and I both have siblings, and in fact, Brian has an adopted sister, and we realized over the first few years that depriving Liam of a sibling would be cruel and unfair.  So, knowing I never wanted to be pregnant again, and there were millions of children out there who needed families, we looked toward adoption.  Last year we took the classes and were finished around November of 2008, I think.  We had been looking into adopting a child younger than Liam, and were reading files and watching videos of adorable kindergardeners, and dragging Liam to different events to meet kids and play with potential little brothers.  Liam was never excited.  He agreed that all children deserved a family, but he was unhappy, and nothing ever materialized.  One day I was sitting on my couch watching TV and the phone rang.  It was a woman named Katie who worked for a news station doing Forever Families segments.  She heard from a friend of a friend that we were looking to adopt an older child.  (older children are all children over 3 years.)  She told me she met a boy named Skyler and that she loved him immediately and she wanted so badly to help him find a family.  Skyler was 10.  I mentioned the conversations to Liam and Brian, and Liam got really excited.  He wanted a big brother.  He liked being little, and wanted someone bigger around to show him how to do cool things and to watch out for him.  Taking Liam's excitement as some sort of a sign, we went for it.  We called our caseworker, asked for info on Skyler and the ball started rolling.  I think we heard about Skyler for the first time in May, and by July we were approved for the adoption, by Sept he was living in our home.  By October we were wondering what else we didn't know, and by Thanksgiving we were spending more time talking about Skyler to school officials, each other, concerned family members and therapists, than doing almost anything else, and by earlier this week we were clinging to each other like ports in a never ending storm wondering how it all got to be so crazy.  

Now that we are caught up, let me say the purpose of this blog is for people who have adopted a child or children, and had no idea what to expect.  Or for people considering adoption, to have a very realistic picture of what another family is experiencing and living on a daily basis.  I will try to be frank and honest, and will share any links or insights that I encounter during my daily struggles and triumphs.  My adopted son came to us with a diagnosis of ADHD, Depression and anxiety.  We have come to realize his issues are deeper and more abiding than we could have imagined.  We have also come to learn that as a family we are strong, creative, cool, affectionate and tough!  I have learned that adoption is the birth of a new family, and that means it is the death of the old family.  Sure, the people are still in it, but it is forever changed.  I learned that like death or separation, there is a grieving process that parents will undergo, and that my resolve is going to be tested again and again.  Adopting an older child is exhausting, and it can be so lonely.  It's very early days for us right now.  People ask me all the time, "is it worth it?", "would you do it again if you knew what you know now?".  To them I say, I haven't learned it all yet, so I can't answer your questions.  Ask us again in 15 years, and I still won't have learned it all.  Today I learned that family is a dirty word to children who have come from abuse and neglect.  Why would they want to be part of a family when time and time again family has hurt you, scared you, or made you have to go away?  Today I found this amazing website that gave me more hope and understanding than anything else had to date. http://scarjaspermountain.wordpress.com/2007/07/27/surviving-and-thriving-in-a-difficult-adoption/ And I also learned that curlers give your hair bounce, makeup covers new wrinkles (and there are a lot of new ones) and showering and putting on pretty shoes really does help. I now know it's OK to grieve your past (complete with bargaining, denial, the whole shabang), and that doesn't devalue your future.  Just don't tell your adoptive child that is what you are doing!   It's OK to admit you are angry, or that you don't know if you are strong enough, but it's not OK to stop trying to be stronger or to give up.  But sometimes, it is important to say screw it all, and go out and have a beer with your friends!