Have a wonderful Friday to all, and anyone who has realistic ideas to avoid power struggles that do not involve routine or consistency, I am all ears.... or eyes if you email them to me!
Friday, February 5, 2010
It's Friday, so I hear!
So, it's Friday, and I am excited because I am going out for drinks with my friend Sara, and anyone else who wants to join us. Weekends no longer hold the allure they once did. In fact 2 full days trying to be upbeat and having to be a constantly present parent can be down right exhausting. Today I have been doing research on avoiding power struggles, and I love how they all say basically the same thing, "establish routines." We have the SAME things happen every single day. Wake up at 6:35, take a shower, bring down laundry, take meds, have breakfast, get backpack, get in car, go to school. Come home from school, have a snack, do your homework, play, eat dinner, put away laundry, watch TV, go to bathroom, brush teeth, get in bed, listen to me read story, sleep. Every day, Mon-Fri we do that. If they lose privileges they can not play outside or watch TV. But routine is not the answer here. In fact, knowing exactly what happens next seems to allow him to gear up to fight every step of the way some days. So, I dug deeper. And again found the same things... Do not engage your child, it takes 2 people to engage in a struggle, if you are not in it there can be no struggle. So, what happens then if the power struggle begins not because a child doesn't want to set the table or laminate their gold stickers? What if something far more sinister is afoot? There are times when like it or not you have to engage someone, in the moment, and you can't lose your ground. Sometimes walking away is not the answer. Sometimes walking away could leave your home or children in danger. At least it can feel that way. However, there are things to glean from all of the textbook junk I have read. I think the point is to not argue back. If there is immediate danger, remove your other children, pets, and self from the situation, but don't engage the aggressor. Removing everyone probably gives him some sense of power, but at least not the negative attention he was seeking. In fact it gives the entire rest of the family a chance for some 1 on 1 time, which will really drive the power hungry kid crazy! So, internet, I say to you, only once in a very blue moon are you helpful. And "experts", I do not believe your credentials are real or that you have ever actually dealt with a truly difficult child! Sometimes, we just have to wing it! I have learned to never bother getting angry, what's the point? Now I actually find a lot of humor in our new family structure, and yesterday, we were tantrum free! I call that a success, even though there were issues at school, arguing at Ouma's house, and traces of normal childhood angst!
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Hey Julie,
ReplyDeleteMy parents took guardianship of two distant family members when they were young. Their dad, my cousin, was in jail and the mom, let's say do not ask about her. I think that there is a longer adjustment period with difficult kids. You have to be really consistant about sticking to your rules and boundries because they are smart and if they see you slipping they jump right in (usually in some kind of negative attention way) and try to gain the power or manipulate the situation.
But just like a newborn who is colicky and a mom who wonders if it will ever end, is there ever going to be a day where you can socialize with other moms that have kids that are not difficult, somehow in all the chaos it becomes organized chaos and does get better. You said it has been four months but that is a short time. In fact, it is probably enough for all the dark secrets and hauntings of this child to come out and manifest themselves in other ways besides words. But, there is a flipside (I think), in order to truly know someone and to be close to someone you have to know their "bad" side or qualitues too. Only then can they learn to trust you. I think the power struggle will end but because he is older it might take a little longer. Good Luck, with all this new family dynamics. Can't wait to hear more in your blog!!