Here at home we are sort of still in wait and see mode. I am breathing a little easier, thinking that I haven't witnessed anything dangerous or excessively troubling in the last couple of days. But I am also on a much shorter fuse. Possibly, the realization, once again, that this could be forever, has limited my patience. The idea of having the same issues and conversations come up every day for the next 7 years is exhausting. Really, I should embrace the one day at a time philosophy of the liver lovers out there, and not look out over the expanse of the rest of my life. It's easy enough to say what should happen, it's a whole a lot tougher to change! Damn reason always telling my what to do despite my best intentions! I hate a moral compass! And so the struggle continues between what is good and what is easy. Weird though, that being annoyed all the time is easier than being happy...that paints a bleak picture of my mind. We still have the 24th looming as a day with possibility of new answers, or a bigger possibility of more questions. And we have a home visit this Thursday. It's funny that between all the crazy there is a new routine in our lives that revolves around home visits and therapy options. It is clear to me now in a way I wish I understood as a child, that mental illness may as well be cancer. Doctor's, vocabulary, treatment, planning, it all becomes just another part of life. And there is no guarantee that any of it will work or that all the work will ensure a bright future. But, the difference I see is that people are much more tolerant of people with cancer, even though illness is illness. I know I am! I get so frustrated and wonder all the time why he can't just behave "normally" or why after 5 months he still feels like he has to sneak food and hover, why he can't let any one be in the room with an adult without putting himself in the conversation, because he thinks they are only ever talking about him, why he always looks guilty, and why he usually is...Part of it is because he is ill, abused, scared and tired of always having to try so hard, and part of it is because he is stubborn, a little bit lazy, and starting to get hormonal! But none of how he was when he moved in is really his fault. Now he just has to see that how he acts now is up to him. I think he is still trying to figure out if it is all worth it, because it is a lot of work.
Today I will be hanging out between here and my mom's house because she has free and accessible tools that I need to complete my flooring endeavors! My mom is happily on a cruise, no idea that her garage is being invaded and pillaged of deck screws, 4X10's, and some pliers! I guess she will know if she ever reads this though. Fortunately we had like 10 kids not show up at school today, for the holiday, so even though it is a little busy out there, it's slow enough that I can play hookey without too much stress put on my teachers. The stress for me of bringing the kids out to work with me all day was giving me a stomach ache, so I guess you can say I threw my staff under the bus for myself. Sorry guys!
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